The Lies Of My Life
by MyLookOfDenial
Summary: So you have my confession here in your hands, do with it what you want, I won’t hate you for what you do. Promise. I know in the past I haven’t always kept my promises, but this time I mean it. Honest. ON HOLD.
1. Chapter 1

THE LIES OF MY LIFE

THE LIES OF MY LIFE.

He opened the big brown envelope that was addressed to him, not recognising the untidy scrawl that spelt out his address on the front. He pulled out the white paper, there were lots of sheets of plain white paper, neatly folded in half, on the front it read, 'The lies of my life.' in the same messy scrawl. He opened the paper and began to read a confession.

So, you have my confession here in your hands, do with it what you want, I won't hate you for what you do, I promise. I know in the past I haven't always kept my promises, but this time I mean it, and I only broke the others because I had to, not because I dislike you in any way, I like you actually, I like you quite a lot to be honest. Always have, probably always will. I'm going to tell you my story, I'm going to write it like a book, with chapters and everything. I always kept a diary, and now I've written it out for you, from the beginning of my life in Forks. You probably don't recognise my writing, those neat little words I used to write weren't how I would chose to write, they were just other lies in the many lies of my life. But I think you deserve to know the truth and why I did the things I did, because you won't understand otherwise, I don't care about other people not understanding. But you always tried your hardest to understand me, but never could, noone could, noone can, noone ever will. But I want you to, I want you to understand, so here is the confession, all the terrible things I've done are in the sheets of paper that you hold. But you have to understand that I did those bad things because I had to, it was the only way to survive, that what you have to understand first about my life. It's always been 'survival of the fittest', and I made sure I was the fittest, I did everything I could to be that person so I wasn't left alone and at the bottom of the heap, because it's not a good place at the bottom, I should know, I started there and made my way to the top. And I refused to let my family stay at the bottom, so I dragged my brothers and sisters to the top, I protected them with my own life, I stopped bad things happening to them and took it all myself, so I got stronger and so did my family, because it was always about protecting them, I never did it for myself, it was for them, for everyone I cared about. Lives may have been lost, but more lives were saved. Now I will begin.

Love Bella

XXX

SO HERE'S CHAPTER 1

I've always know what evil is, I've known the meaning of, hate, beat, kill, rape, murder, torture and other words like that for as long as I can remember, I've even experienced quite a few of them. My youngest memory is of standing in a doorway holding tight to my little brother's hand, he was about 2 years old and I was about 4, we stood in the doorway and watched on as one of my mother's boyfriends beat her. And to this day I still don't know what she had done, but I can guess, his dinner wasn't on the table when he got home from work, she had supposedly cheated on him, the house was a mess. But really I think the honest truth is that this man was a woman beater and enjoyed feeling strong and powerful. I hate men like that, with such a passion I can't even begin to describe it.

I always looked after the little ones, I say little ones but they're not so little anymore, I mean the children, my mother had lots of children, we all had different fathers, except the twins. My mother could never hold a man, I'm glad she didn't, I can honestly say that not one of them was decent. My mother was never much of a mother to her children, I was more of a mother to my sisters and brothers than she was, but I did a good job and I looked after them well.

"Bella!" My mother said exasperated, I sighed and turned to her, I had been looking off into the distance and daydreaming, she handed me the purse full of money with credit cards and debit cards as well. She also handed me a mobile phone, which was red and said Motorola on the back, I took the stuff and put it into my bag. "The phone has my number and other numbers of people that could be helpful, look after the kids Bell's."

"You could come too." I said as the busy airport around us seemed to get even nosier at those impossible words.

"I can't, you know I can't, I have to stay, you'll be fine though, I'll pay the cards and send more money when I can." She said. "But maybe I'll visit, there'll be a guy at the airport who'll take you to the place, there's a car there already that I had sent on ahead, the guy will take you to the house then go." I nodded, "I hired some woman to be a live in nanny kind of thing, look after the kids and everything, you'll go to school, and if anyone asks, I'll come along later."

"You'll call right?"

"When I get the chance, but I have a lot of work to do here first." I nodded, my mother's vibrant blue eyes bore into my own chocolate brown ones, her hair, so similar to mine was cropped short was only to just past her chin, in delicate waves. My hair was to just past my shoulders and the same shade of chocolate brown as hers. My full pink lips moved upwards at the corners, forming a smile, I parted my lips slightly showing off my straight white teeth. She smiled back at me, lighting up her naturally pale face, my skin was the same pale colour as hers, maybe my face lit up too, I don't know though.

"I love you Bell's." She said and pulled me into a hug, I hugged her back, she's only 30 and has always been more like a sister to me than a mother. She had me when she was 13. She turned to Evan and pulled her 15 year old son to her, he looks more like he's 17, he has big muscles and sandy brown hair that neatly sits on his head, he has the same eyes as our mother.

"See you." He said, she grinned.

"Love you Ev." She said, he smiled, my mother then turned to Daphne, my 13 year old sister, she has honey blonde hair and really pale blue eyes, she's quite tanned and very pretty.

"I love you little Daphy." She said.

"Love you too Renée." We call our mother by her first name, not mum, it's always been this way. She then turned to Daphne's twin, Oscar and pulled him into a hug, they're exactly the same except Oscar is taller and a guy.

"Love you Ozzy." He grinned.

"And you." He replied, my mother turned to my other brother Toby, he smiled at her, he's 7 and quite adorable, his brown pale brown eyes happy, his brown hair, like our mother's messy and cut short, he flung his arms around her and she hugged him back.

"Love you." He said.

"Love you too Toby." She then turned to little Nixie, whose 4, her platinum blonde hair fell in ringlets to her shoulder, her pale face happy, her full lips parted into a huge smile, her big brown eyes that matched my own excited.

"Love you Nix." My mother said.

"Love you too Renée." She replied returning the hug my mother gave her, then my mother walked away, blowing a kiss over her shoulder that we instinctively put our hands out to catch holding it close to our hearts as we always did, because my mother has blown kisses over her shoulder so many times as she walks away. We have enough practice to catch them. I turned to my family, I'm the oldest, I'm the one they all listen to, I'm the leader, I'm the one that loves them all so much and never deserts them.

"Come on then, let's go to Forks." I said, everyone sighed and grabbed their suitcases. I took Nixie's little hand in my own as I pulled my suitcase in the other, Nixie's stuff was in mine too, I had a handbag on my shoulder. Evan was a few paces behind, Toby walked beside him, as Evan pulled the big suitcase that had Toby's stuff in too, he had a rucksack on his back, with his hand luggage, he had Toby's stuff in it, just like I had Nixie's stuff in mine. Oscar pulled his and Daphne's suitcase as she held her handbag that Oscar's stuff was in too.

We boarded the plane and sat down, Evan was on the isle, with Toby next to him and then Nixie, I was next to Nixie with Daphne next to me and then Oscar on the window seat. I sorted out Toby and Nixie with a movie, we were on first class of course, Evan played on his PSP and Oscar and Daphne went to sleep, I did too. I woke to Nixie prodding me, I opened my eyes.

"Nix, I was sleeping." I moaned.

"Daphy's having a nightmare." I looked at Daphne as she thrashed about whimpering and mumbling, I grabbed hold of her and pulled her to me, , as she sobbed in her sleep, then as she always did she let out that piercing scream after she had muttered 'no' over and over again for at least half a minute. People looked over and Evan glared at them.

"She just had a nightmare lever her alone." He said loudly, they nodded and smiled politely at us before turning around.

"It won't stop Bella." She whispered to me, still hugging.

"I know Daphne but it will, eventually it'll get better." I said.

**I hope you like it.**

**I just had the idea for this and I wrote it out and really liked it.**

**So I thought I'd post the first chapter.**

**Let me know if you think I should carry on.**

**I've written chapter 2, but I want to know what you think first.**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**:D**

**XXX**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 2

"Get the door Evan!" I yelled out from the kitchen, we had just finished unpacking, we had been taken to the house, but the car wasn't there, like it was meant to be.

"You get it, I'm busy!" He yelled back.

"I'm busy, get the fucking door!" I yelled back to him.

"You get the fucking door, your so lazy Bella!"

"I am not lazy you prick!" I shouted as I walked out the kitchen he stomped out the living room.

"Don't be such an idiot get the door Bella."

"No I will not get the door Evan, you get the fucking door." I screamed at him.

"I'm not your fucking slave Bella."

"I'm not a fucking door opener!" He laughed at my stupid answer.

"Nor am I you idiot." He said.

"Get the fucking door are you retarded or something!?" I asked irritated.

"I'll get the fucking door." Daphne yelled opening it, then walked away, in a huff, Evan ran off.

"EVAN!" I screamed at him, incredibly annoyed.

"What's going on?" Nixie asked running towards me.

"Nixie sweetie, go annoy Evan for me." She giggled and nodded before running off

"Of course." I walked towards the door and took in the bronze haired god before me, he was quite fair skinned, but not as fair as me and he had beautiful emerald green eyes, I smiled slightly.

"Sorry about that."

"That's ok." He said.

"Oh are you here about the car?" I asked, "Because it was meant to be here when we came and it isn't." I said annoyed, he looked about my age but I couldn't be sure.

"I'm not here about the car." He said.

"Oh I'm sorry, what are you here for?" I asked confused as in the background Evan yelled at Nixie, I turned as she ran out the room and hid behind me.

"Tell her to leave me alone Bella, she's driving me crazy." I smiled and shook my head.

"Nixie is her own person, if she wants to annoy you she can." I said pulling her up into my arms, she giggled and twirled my hair around her fingers.

"She's your child, fucking control her."

"Fucking control yourself." I said, sticking my middle finger up at him.

"She's a fucking devil child." I kicked him in the shin really hard.

"Don't fucking insult my baby." I said kissing Nixie's cheek.

"You're such a bitch Bella."

"Yeah that's what older sisters are for." I said and turned back to the boy, my daughter in my arms. "Sorry, who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Edward, your next door neighbour, my mum sent me round to say hi."

"Oh." I said, Evan guffawed in the background.

"Great first impression Bella."

"I think you're the one who looks like an idiot, you get beaten by a girl, quite a bit smaller than you." I said turning back to Edward, Nixie giggled in my ear.

"Do come in, it's lovely to meet you." I said politely kissing his cheeks as I always did to greet people.

"And yourself." He said politely. "Bella right?" He asked.

"Yes I'm Bella, that's Evan." I said gesturing to him leaning against a doorframe grinning, "This is Nixie." I said pointing to her, she buried her face in my shoulder, all of a sudden shy. "And Daphne, Oscar and Toby are around somewhere." I said.

"Oh ok, my mum wanted to know if you wanted to come round for dinner tomorrow."

"We would love to." I said politely.

"Are your parents about?"

"It's just our mother and she'll be coming next month sometime." I said.

"I see."

"She has business to do back in Phoenix."

"Oh ok." He said, not knowing what to say.

"Did you want anything to drink?" I asked leading him into the kitchen, I put Nixie down on a stool, Edward sat down opposite.

"Can I have some water please."

"Sure, what do you want Nix?" I asked.

"Orange juice!" She cried happily.

"Okie Dokie." I said, pouring myself some too, I sat down with Nixie on my lap, handing Edward the orange juice. Oscar and Toby walked into the room, Toby was covered in splatters of blue paint, Oscar was paint free.

"Jeez Bella." Oscar said looking at Edward and me.

"What?" I asked.

"You have a guy already." He said in disbelief.

"No I don't, Edward is out next door neighbour and he came round to say hi." I said, "For your information Oscar."

"Chill your beans Bell's." He said, I laughed.

"My beans?"

"You know, chill beans."

"No I don't actually, and I thought you were painting with Toby, not painting Toby."

"I was painting actually." He held out his hands, "See." they had paint on them, I looked at Toby and gasped jumping off the seat and putting Nixie back on it.

"Toby, they were those new trousers and t-shirt I got you!" I said exasperated as I pulled the t-shirt off him and walked to the washing machine.

"Take off your trousers."

"I don't want to."

"They're all dirty, and they were expensive, you've got paint everywhere."

"I don't want to."

"Don't worry sweetie, your wearing pants aren't you, I'm sure Edward's seen pants before if you're embarrassed."

"I'm not embarrassed." He said annoyed pulling off his trousers. "I just don't wanna change."

"You need a shower anyway." He handed me the jeans and I put them in the washing machine. "Edward, this is Oscar and Toby, Toby, Oscar this is Edward." I introduced.

"Nice to meet you both." Edward said. Toby sat down next to Edward, Oscar sat on the other side of him, Nixie had pulled herself onto the table and was standing in the middle, Daphne ran in and sat down next to me in hysterics, Evan came in red faced and glaring at her, he sat on the other side of me.

"Edward this is Daphne, this is Edward."

"Hi Edward." She said happily.

"Hi." He said.

"I am going to get you Daphne." Evan said.

"I made him scream like a girl, I hid around the corner and he came round and I yelled at him." She explained to us.

"I did not scream like a girl." He said.

"Nixie, get off the table." I said, she shook her head, she was wearing a pair of pale blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt.

"I like it up here." I sighed

"You're making the table all dirty." I said.

"Fine." She said and stepped towards me, accidentally knocking over my glass of orange juice in the process. It went all over my top, I pulled her down from the table and jumped up, putting her on the chair, I stood up and sighed. "Sorry mummy." She said.

"It's ok Nix." I replied, Evan was laughing, so were the others, I was wearing a low cut spaghetti strap vest top that was white with a long sleeved low cut green top over the top. I pulled the green top off, everyone laughed more.

"My tops stuck to my jumper isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes." Nixie giggled.

"Help me then." I said, noone did so I pulled the tops off, and ended up standing in my kitchen in just a red lacy bra and low cut, black skinny jeans. "Thanks guys." I said sarcastically, sorting out my tops, and putting the white one back on, that was see through, because of the juice. I glared at Evan as he grinned and laughed at Edward who looked embarrassed.

"Sorry Edward." I said.

"I'm sure he doesn't mind." Evan said.

"Shut up Evan, I'm sure he's seen a girl in a bra before." I said sitting down, Nixie on my lap.

"I can see your bra mummy." She said, I looked down, my lacy red bra could be seen.

"Because you spilt juice on her Nix." Daphne said.

"Nah, the top is generally see through if you were brightly coloured bras."

"Oh." Daphne said.

"Anyway, Toby and Nixie you should go get ready for bed, its past your bed time." I said, it was 8:10.

"No, I don't wanna." Toby said annoyed.

"Yes, and have a shower first."

"I don't know how it works."

"Oscar, help Toby with the shower." I said.

"Come on Toby, and you Nix." Oscar said.

"I should probably get going." Edward said, I stood up and walked with him to the door.

"You probably think we live in a mad house." I said.

"No not all." He said, I raised my eyebrows in disbelief, "Ok, a little bit, but your sisters and brother obviously have a good time." I laughed.

"They do, anything goes in the houses we live in." I smiled.

"I know it's kind of bold of me to ask, but whose Nixie's father, because you're her mum but…" He trailed off, I smiled.

"Nixie's dad died actually, he was involved in a gang war, his gang angered another, then all the other gangs took sides and he got shot." I shrugged.

"How old was he." I frowned.

"He was two year older than me and he died when I was 15 so, he was 17, Nixie was only about 2 years old at the time."

"You had her when you were 13?"

I smiled, "We all do things at the spur of the moment sometimes that we regret after." I said. "Not that I don't love Nixie with all my heart, just maybe a few years later would have been better." I shrugged.

"She looks very like you, I thought she must've been your sister at first, though I wasn't sure." I smiled.

"We have the same eyes, and lips, she has gorgeous hair though, Jason had gorgeous hair, that lovely platinum blonde Nixie had, his hair was his best asset. Though he was pretty hot too, but whatever, he was a bit of an idiot really. I wouldn't wish him dead though. But you get me." I said, he nodded.

"I understand, well I'll see you tomorrow, yes?" He asked.

"Yes, we would love to come." I said and stepped forwards kissing his cheeks goodbye, I heard a giggled and Nixie ran down the stairs. "I thought you were in bed missy." I said, she was in pyjamas, she wore long pyjama bottoms, with smiley faces on and a matching top.

"I wanted to say bye bye." She said and threw her arms in the air, I picked her up around the waist, turning her to face Edward and gave him a hug, her little arms round his neck.

"Bye Nixie."

"I'll say goodbye like mummy." She said and kissed his cheeks, he laughed.

"Bye Bella, bye Nixie." He said and walked away, I smiled and waved from the door and I turned around sighing.

"What I would do for a decent guy like that Nix." I said smiling at my daughter.

**I didn't get much of a response to chapter 1 but whatever.**

**I thought I'd carry on anyways.**

**Thanks inkypinkyanna and Lecia for rev****iewing.**

**Just so you know in this FF Renée is rich.**

**And all about Nixie being Bella's will be clearer.**

**Hope you like it.**

**Review!**

**:D**

**XXX**


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3

I have always in my life put other first, because I am that type of person, I put others first and let myself end up last. Sure it's all 'survival of the fittest' and I aim to be just that, the fittest. But I still put others first, I put my sisters and brothers first, always, I think of others before myself, because I care, because for once I hope they will stop me and put me first themselves. But noone ever does, because it's who I am, I'm nice to people, but I can get mad, so incredibly mad, that 'seeing red' isn't just an expression. But I don't care that I'm like that, I go from mad, to sad in moments, or happy to down right depressed. But that makes me who I am, I am Bella Swan. People know me, well back in Phoenix anyway, my mother is rich, she's the best dealer in Phoenix, I mean drugs. That's the truth of it. If people ask we lie. Because that's the way it always is. Who wants that kind of truth anyway?

We knocked on the door of the Cullen's house, it was opened almost immediately, and there stood a beautiful woman with caramel coloured hair and pale brown eyes.

"You must be Bella, I'm Esme." She said.

"Yes I am, it's so lovely to meet you." I said politely kissing her cheeks.

"Do come in children." She said and we piled inside, a man stepped towards and smiled happily at us, he looked about the same age as Esme and had sandy blonde hair.

"Hi I'm Carlisle." He said, as Esme greeted my sisters and brothers.

"I'm Bella." I said and kissed his cheeks politely, I handed him the wine we had brought politely and Daphne gave Esme the chocolates. "Thankyou for inviting us over." I said.

"That's quite all right dears." She said as three people came down the stairs, a small girl with spiky black hair grinned at me and I kissed her cheeks.

"You must be Bella!" She cried, I smiled, "Edward said you were pretty, but your gorgeous!" She said.

"Thankyou…" I trailed off not knowing her name.

"I'm Alice by the way."

"Thanks Alice." I said, the huge boy grinned and stepped forwards, he reminded me a lot of Evan.

"I'm Emmett." He said, I smiled and kissed his big cheeks.

"Nice to meet you." I said as Edward smiled at me.

"Hi Bella."

"Hello." I said and politely kissed his cheeks, smiling at him.

"Edward!" Nixie said excitedly and threw her arms around his waist.

"Hi Nixie." He said, she grinned, and stepped back placing her little hand in mine, I noticed Evan and Emmett shaking hands happily, as Alice chatted to Daphne, I smiled at Toby as he walked towards us, greeting everyone.

"Bella." He said, and tugged my hand I leant down.

"What's up?" I asked, brushing his hair from his eyes with my free hand.

"I need the toilet."

"Esme, could Toby use your toilet please?" I asked standing up.

"Of course dear." She said, "This way Toby." She said and took his hand leading him to the toilet.

"Why don't we go through to the living room?" Carlisle said, we followed him, I ended up on a couch beside Edward with Nixie beside me and Toby sat down next to her. It was a bit squished, my arms and Edward's were touching. Alice and Daphne sat down together on a sofa with Oscar on the other side of Alice. Emmett and Evan sat down together on another sofa and Carlisle sat on an armchair, another one beside him seated Esme. Evan and Emmett were talking animatedly, Toby got up and sat beside Oscar, as Daphne and Alice chatted. Nixie pulled herself onto my lap, I kissed he cheek.

"What's up sweetie?" I asked, moving over slightly, so I wasn't sitting practically on top of Edward.

"The sky." I laughed.

"That was terrible Nix." I said, she giggled burying her face in my hair.

"You have a lovely house." I commented.

"Thankyou Bella." Esme said, I smiled.

"Edward said your mother wouldn't be coming for a while." Carlisle said.

"No, she had business back in Phoenix so she'll be there a while."

"Have you got a nanny for the children whilst you're at school?" She asked.

"Nixie and Toby are at school, but they finish earlier so we were meant to have a nanny, but she's a no show." I said annoyed.

"Oh no, how annoying." Esme said as my pone vibrated in my pocket.

"That'll be my mother, do you mind if I take it?" I asked.

"No, of course not that's fine." She said I stood up, putting Nixie on the sofa, and walking out the room.

"Mummy!" Nixie cried, I turned back.

"You can come if you want Nix." I said, she ran after me, and grabbed my hand, I put my phone to my ear as I sat down on the stairs. "Hello?"

"He babe, it's me."

"I know Renée, did you find out about the nanny?" I asked.

"Nope."

"Can you find another?" I asked as Nixie sat on my lap playing with my hair.

"No."

"Can you try Renée, we need one?" I asked annoyed.

"I'm busy."

"So what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I asked.

"I don't fucking know Bella, get a babysitter."

"You said you'd fucking do it, for once can you keep your bloody word!" I said annoyed, doing my best not to yell.

"I have important things to do." She said.

"Oh of course I forgot, you can't take time off dealing to sort out a nanny for your kids." I said annoyed "Stupid cow." I muttered.

"You sort it our Bella, you're the responsible one."

"I don't have the fucking time, don't you understand that, we're trying to fucking fit in, we're at our neighbours what the moment for dinner." I said.

"I don't give a shit Bella where you are., look Bella, don't be such a little bitch, just find someone."

"There is noone you idiot, do you know how small this god damn place is?" I asked annoyed, "It's fucking tiny." I said.

"I don't give a fuck Bella, you have a house and money what more do you want from me?"

"I want you to fucking give a shit about us. For once in your fucking life don't just think about yourself." I said.

"Bella." She cried.

"Oh no, my bad, you can't do that cause you're a self absorbed twat." I said and hung up. "I promise I'll never be like that." I said and smiled at my daughter.

"I love you mummy." I kissed her cheek.

"Love you too Nix." I said and stood up, she was in my arms as I put my phone in the pocket of my black skinny jeans, my flat green pumps tapped on the wooden floor. I wore a plain white spaghetti strap tight fitting low cut top, and a bright red cardigan, that I wore undone. Nixie wore a little green skirt, which went to her knees and a plain white t-shirt. I walked into the other room, trying to compose myself.

"Did your mother find you a nanny?"

"No, Renée couldn't find anyone." I sighed sitting on the sofa beside Edward again.

"What are you going to do?" Carlisle asked.

"I guess I'll have to leave school early to pick up the little ones." I said.

"I can do it for you if you like Bella." Esme said.

"No, I can't ask you to do that Esme."

"No, really it would be fine, I could take them back here, I don't work or anything, and you could pick them up after school." I frowned.

"Well if you're sure that'd be lovely." I said unsure.

"That's perfectly fine.

"Would you like me to pay you?" I asked.

"No, don't be silly, it'll be nice to have little children in the house again."

"Well, that is so lovely of you." I said smiling at her.

"Don't think anything of it dear." Nixie giggled on my lap, I smiled down at her, kissing the top of her head as Edward made funny faces at her.

"Mummy?" She said, I looked down at her, her big brown eyes locked on my matching ones, I twirled her soft blonde ringlets around my finger.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Is Edward going to be my daddy?" The room kind of went silent.

"No sweetie, Edward's just a friend."

"But I want a daddy." I tried my best to hold the smile on my face.

"Well your daddy isn't around at the moment, you'll have to make do with just me." I said.

"You said daddy went away, like Lizzy and Tommy." I nodded, trying my hardest not to let the painful memories flood my mind.

"Yes sweetie."

"But Tommy and Lizzy died." I nodded, "Is daddy dead?" I smiled at my daughter.

"Yes sweetie, daddy's dead, I need the toilet, I'll be back in a sec." I said standing up, and walking towards the door, my sister and brothers eyes were sad at the memories.

"Mummy!" Nixie cried and ran after me, I pulled her into my arms. "Why are you crying mummy?" She asked confused, loudly enough for everyone to hear.

"I'm not crying." I said.

"Your eyes are leaking."

"Stay here, I'll be back." I said, she frowned. "Go talk to Edward." I said putting her down.

I sat on the toilet seat crying into my hands, as Lizzy and Tommy's little faces flashed across my eyes. I did my best, I swear to god I did, I just couldn't do enough to save them. I did try though, Lizzy died with a shred innocence still within her, she died pure and untouched, I did that much for her. And Tommy? I protected him the best I could, but it wasn't enough, he died, but I tried to protect him. I did my best. I promise I did. I lost Lizzy, my little sister and Tommy, my little brother. But I did my best for them. Honest.

**So here's chapter 3.**

**Hope you like it.**

**Please review and everything.**

**Love you all for reviewing.**

**Thanks Lecia, Lindseyfair and inkypinkanna for reviewing last chapter.**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**XXX**


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

There was a knock on the door, I had only been there for a few minutes or so, I dried my eyes, thankful I was wearing waterproof mascara. I looked into the mirror, you couldn't see I had been crying thankfully.

"Bella?" Edward asked, I opened the door, he blinked shocked that I had opened the door immediately, I smiled.

"Yes?"

"Are you ok?" I laughed happily and care free.

"I'm fine." I said stepping into the corridor, I turned to him, we were quite close together.

"Nixie said you were crying." I turned around walking towards the living room, him following behind. "Are you sure you're ok?" I turned around putting my hand out in front of me, as if to say stop, not realising he was so close behind me. My hand was on his chest, beside his heart, in the centre of his chest, I looked up. And let my hand drop down, running along the centre of his chest, I felt the muscles tense beneath my had as the buttons pressed into my palm from the green shirt he had on, it was open at the top revealing his collarbones and pale skin. I fought with myself whether or not to kiss him, but he made the first move, stepping forwards and pressing his lips to mine, my fingers hooked around his belt pulling him towards me, my back pressed against the wall as his hands sat on my hips, I parted my lips and let his tongue in. My free hand buried itself in his hair as the other held him to me by his belt. All logical thought flew from my head as he pressed himself into me, our chests together and his hands pushed up my top and onto my flat stomach, his fingers trailing across it, as we kissed. Then thoughts flooded my mind and I pulled away, letting go of his belt and pushing him away slightly.

"I'm sorry." He said, I frowned at that.

"For what?"

"For kissing you, I don't even know you." I shrugged.

"I've kissed guys I know less about than you Edward. Don't be sorry."

"Why did you pull away then?" He asked, running a hand through his already messy bronze hair.

"I'm not the type of girl you want Edward." I answered.

"Why?"

"You'll want a steady girlfriend, I don't do relationships." I walked away but stopped, "It's not you, it's me." It sounded like I was breaking up with him, like we'd even been together in the first place.

I walked into the room and sat next to Nixie as Edward walked in, avoiding eye contact with me as he sat on the other side of Nixie. Toby came over and sat on my lap. I pulled him up as Nixie glared at him for stealing me from her.

"You ok Toby?" I asked, he nodded, and leant back, so his back was against my front and his head on my shoulder. Esme and Carlisle had disappeared, into the kitchen to sort out the food.

"It was hilarious right, Nixie spilt orange juice down Bella's front so she got up and tried to pull her jumper off over her head." Evan said loudly, I sighed, "And her top underneath came up as well, showing everyone her bra, she was like, 'my top came up as well didn't it?' we were like 'yes', she asked if we'd help, but none did so she just pulled both her tops up and stood there in her bra trying to sort out her tops, and Edward was staring at her boobs, when she finally got her top on it was see through and Edward was all embarrassed." Evan told Emmett, "So I was like laughing, she apologised to Edward, cause he looked embarrassed, so said I didn't think he minded, so Bella goes 'I'm sure Edward's seen a girl in a bra before' and Edward was like looking anywhere but at her because he was trying not to look at her boobs, as her top was see through." He said laughing, Emmett joined in.

"And she was wearing a red lacy, uber push up one making her boobs look huge." Daphne said giggling.

"I will have you know it wasn't that push up Daphne, my boobs are naturally that amazing." I said laughing along with everyone else as Edward's face reddened by the second.

"Well Edward didn't tell us that, about his visit." Emmett said grinning.

"Edward looks like a tomato." Nixie said looking at him, everyone laughed.

"You guys are so mean, leave Edward alone." I said, still smiling though.

"Isn't Bella the one that's meant to be embarrassed, flashing her boobs at Edward?" Alice asked.

"I was wearing a bra you know." I said.

"Bella's shown half the male population in Phoenix her boobs." Oscar said.

"That is not true, your making it sound like I'm some kind of porn star which I am not!" I cried.

"Ok then, every guy who isn't taken or gay thinks Bella's hot, and not related, cause that's gross, I do not think my sisters hot." Evan said looking grossed out. "Because Bella is like the one night stand queen. Not that they don't think she's hot anyway, my friends all lust after her!" I gasped at Evan.

"You're a liar you man whore, I am not!" I cried.

"I think you're the whore here." He said grinning.

"Mummy isn't a whore, you idiot!" Nixie cried, I laughed.

"Go Nixie!" I cried.

"Says the 4 year old daughter that you had at 13." He said, sticking out his tongue at me, "Because you're not a slag." He said sarcastically.

"Yeah well at least the guys I sleep with aren't ugly like all the girls you sleep with." I said.

"Yeah like that Molly girl, she was so ugly!" Daphne cried.

"She was not ugly!" Evan cried.

"Evan obviously liked her for her cup size then." I said.

"I am a guy you know." He said.

"I am a guy and I would never sleep with a girl that ugly." Oscar said.

"Yeah well you're like 13 Oscar I am man of 15."

"You're not a man Evan, like you just said your 15." I could hear Emmett, Alice and Edward laughing throughout our whole argument.

"I am a man!" He said holding his arm in the air and clenching his muscles, showing off his bicep, or it could have been tricep, I don't know the difference.

"Just cause you have muscle doesn't mean you're a man Evan." I said shaking my head. "Evan I always win, give up!" I said.

"You do not!" he cried.

"She does!" Toby said from my lap.

"Yeah Evan you know it." Daphne said.

"Yeah." Oscar nodded.

"Mummy always wins!" Nixie cried, I laughed.

"Up yours Evan." I said, giving him the V's with my fingers but still smiling at him, he sighed holding his hands in the air.

"Ok you win Bella." I smiled happily dropping my hands back onto Toby's little knobbly knees.

"I know." I said grinning, feeling Edward's eyes on me, I smiled at him, he smiled back, and I sighed in relief, happy he didn't hate me.

"Dinner's ready." Esme said, we made our way to the dining room and sat down at their large table. Esme and Carlisle were opposite each other at the heads of the table. Daphne was next to Esme, with Alice beside her and then Evan with Oscar next to him, beside Carlisle. Emmett was on the other side of Carlisle, with Edward next to him, then me and then Nixie, then Toby opposite Daphne next to Nixie. The dinner was spaghetti carbonara and was incredibly tasty, we made small talk throughout the dinner. I found myself chatting to Alice lots about clothes, fashion and celebrity's which seemed to be her favourite topic, Evan, Emmett and Edward were all getting on really well and Esme as talking to Toby, Nixie and Daphne as Oscar and Carlisle chatted about medicine as Oscar desperately wanted to be a doctor when he was older, which was Carlisle's profession.

After we finished dinner we were shown to the door as we said bye to everyone, Nixie was half asleep in my arms and Evan was holding Toby in his arms who looked exhausted

"Hey Bella did you want to sleep over tonight?" Alice asked, I shrugged.

"Sure, I'll get my stuff and come back in like an hour or so if that's ok?" I asked.

"Yay! That'll be perfect, mum and dad are out but we'll be good." She said smiling at them.

"We know." Esme said smiling at her daughter.

"Thankyou so much for dinner, it was lovely as is your house and company." I smiled as we walked at the door, waving bye.

**Here is chapter 4 my wonderful readers.**

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	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 5

I know I am not the best person in the world, I am not the best mother or sister, but I do my best, always, I have protected my sisters and brothers with my life because I love them. Because I hate death and pain, so I protect my sisters and brothers and my daughter because I couldn't stand to lose them, I have already lost two of my siblings, losing more would break me. Losing Nixie would surely kill me. I love her as much as my sisters and brothers but the bond between a mother and child is so strong, I can't be sure whether that is true. But then again look at my terrible mother, she doesn't give a shit about us, I guess all mothers are different. But I would probably live on in misery, caring for Toby, Oscar, Evan and Daphne as best I could.

When Tommy and Lizzy died someone told me that God had wanted them as his angels because they were so perfect. I don't know whether that's true because I pray to God will forgive us for the terrible things we have done to each other then I remember, God left us or at least me, long ago. There was a time as a child that I prayed, prayed that things would be ok, it didn't help, so I stopped relying on something that couldn't be proven to be true and relied on myself. Maybe God does exist, maybe he truly did want Lizzy and Tommy as his angels, but who can say? Sure Lizzy and Tommy were perfect enough to be angels, they were innocent, yet tainted by the life they lived, and the death their lives ended with. After all, as they say, _"Only the good die young."_

I put Nixie to bed and the others, I smiled at Evan, who was still up, he grinned back. "Don't you dare go out and leave them on their own Ev." I said.

"Promise I won't."

"Okies, chow chow then." I said, and walked out the door, my big brown hand bag on my arm full of the things I would need that night, such as pyjamas and toothbrush, that kind of crap. I knocked on the door of the Cullen's house, Alice opened the door happily.

"Bella!" She cried excited, pulling me through the door and into a room I hadn't been in before, there were three couches in the room, all with a view of the TV but not facing it straight on. The TV had a Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3, X-box and various other things attached to it. The room was quite a large room, with a fluffy floor that my bare feet sank into, the floor was a cream colour and the walls were painted pale green. "This is Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend." Alice said, the girl sitting on the couch beside Emmett smiled at me, her dark blue eyes happy, she had long honey blonde hair that fell to just past her shoulders, it wasn't dead straight in that way that looks artificial, it had a slight wave to it, but only a tiny one. She was quite tanned, I wondered how she managed it in a place as rainy as Forks, but in the end I figured she was naturally a very tanned white girl. Her long legs were stretched out on Emmett's lap and he sat with his feet on the coffee table, and she sat sideways.

"Hi, you must be Bella." She said.

"That's me, nice to meet you." I said smiling at her.

"And this is Jasper, my boyfriend, and also Rose's twin." He was sitting on a couch next to Emmett and Rosalie's, he was pretty much the same as Rosalie, except he was obviously a guy, his hair was short and he was masculine, Alice plopped down next to him, he wrapped an arm around her little waist and pulled her to him. I plopped down on the couch beside Edward, and smiled at him, he grinned back, his emerald green eyes happy.

"You must feel really out of it every time you hang around these guys." I said, he frowned at me. "You know they kinda couple off, or do Rosalie and Jasper have a triplet hiding somewhere for you?" I asked.

"Haha, no they don't, I don't usually hang around them so much, but they're here most the time so I do sometimes." I smiled.

"I see." I said, pulling my feet up to me and crossing my legs as I twirled my hair around my finger, a habit I have long since bothered trying to stop because it always seem to comfort me in a way and give me something to do.

"Ok let's play I never!" Alice cried.

"I swear you need alcohol for that game Alice." I said doubting very much she could get her hands on anyway, but Emmett could probably pas for 21 and I knew I could, I suspected she couldn't as she was tiny but the rest of us maybe.

"Yeah but we won't bother with drinks just say it." She explained.

"But Alice the whole idea of the game is to get pissed." I said.

"Well we're not gonna." She said smiling happily.

"You're such a good girl Alice." I said.

"I know!" She said happily.

"How about someone asks a question and everyone in the room has to answer it one after the other, and then another person asks a question next and so on." I said.

"That sound good, what's it called?" Rosalie asked.

I shrugged, "Truth or something like that." I said.

"Ok, me first!" Alice cried, "Erm… Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend, if so who and with whom?" Alice asked happily, looking at Jasper to go first.

"No I haven't." He said indignation ringing in his voice, Emmett laughed loudly.

"Nor have I." Rosalie said, then looked at Emmett.

"I cheated on Lauren with Rose." He said, "But that only lasted like day until I broke it off with Lauren and told her I liked Rose." He said, she smiled happily, I looked at Edward, as did everyone else.

"I kinda cheated on Jessica." He said.

"She's your girlfriend at the moment though." Alice said.

"Who with?" Rose asked, he blushed.

"Bella." He said, not looking at me, I laughed.

"It was a kiss Edward, not like we fucked or anything." I said, slightly annoyed, because I hate cheaters, sure it was kinda my fault he cheated but he should have known better.

"When?" Emmett asked, grinning happily.

"When I went to see if Bella was ok earlier." He said.

"What happened?" Alice asked, I shrugged.

"We kissed." I said.

"And?" Rose asked.

"And nothing, it was a kiss, spur of the moment kind of thing." I said and shrugged. "I have never ever cheated on anyone, and nor do I plan ever to." I said, looking at Alice trying to keep the disgust at cheating out my voice.

"Nor have I and nor do I ever plan to!"

"Sorry Bella." Edward said.

"For what?" I asked frowning turning to him, the other couples were talking so heard nothing. Apologies and apologies that was Edward through and through, but he meant well, I understand that.

"For saying we kissed."

"I don't care Edward." I said, he looked kinds hurt, "You shouldn't apologize so much." I said.

"I felt bad." I sighed and shrugged.

"You shouldn't, if I had known you had a girlfriend I would have never flirted with you." I said.

"Are you annoyed at me?" He asked.

"For what?"

"For not telling you." He said.

"I don't like people who cheat ok, they can't be trusted and I dislike them, I realise that it was my fault you cheated, I made the move with the whole shirt thing, you just kissed me as a reaction." I said explaining how I felt.

"It wasn't your fault." He smiled at me.

"Who's asking the next question?" I asked loudly stopping the conversation.

"Me." Jasper said, "Have you got any piercings or tattoos?" He asked.

"No tattoos, only my ears pierced and tummy button." Rosalie said, revealing the piercing in her stomach and pointing at her ears. Emmett nodded vigorously after before pulling up the sleeve of his t-shirt to reveal a black band around his upper arm, in the shape of barbed wire, I smiled.

"I swear you and Evan are like long lost brothers, he has that exact same tattoo on his right arm too, and the same place." I said.

"Bella, tattoos?" Alice asked. "Piercing?" I jumped up, pulling up my top, to reveal my right hip, to the left of the bone, above the waistband of my jeans. Where there were four black roses, lying together, my own little memory of Lizzy and Tommy, black because death is black and roses because they're beautiful, the third rose is for a girl I knew once upon a time who didn't deserve the death she ended life with, and the last is Nixie's dad, because we were friends until he died. You can see the stems and they are overlapping each other, as if someone dropped the four roses on my hip. They were all tattooed on at different times, the black heads can be seen from their sides not as if they were straight on, they are quite small, the stems are dark green and not that thick at all, the rose heads are small too and they have little green thorns on the stems. The rose heads are about the size of a 5 pence piece. They have white outlining the black petals, really thinly though, they're very pretty. White, because white represents life in my eyes and they are still living through memories and lives. I pushed my top up further to reveal my tummy button piercings, then put my foot on the coffee table and pulled up my jeans turning my foot so they could see the right side of my ankle and the red heart there, just because I like hearts.

"The roses are so pretty Bella, and adorable!" Alice cried.

"Thanks Alice."

"And the heart I love!" She cried I laughed.

"Oh I have my ears pierced too, but only the first hole." I said sitting back down.

"How come you have the roses?" Rosalie asked, I shrugged.

"They're pretty and my favourite flower." I said. Lie. Big fat fucking lie, not like I was going to tell them the truth, because the truth isn't something I often speak, it's so much easier to lie then to have explain the truth. But then your caught n a web of lies you managed to get yourself mixed up in, and trust me that isn't good.

"I like them." She said smiling at me, I smiled back at her.

"Tattoos, piercings, Edward?" I asked.

"No, none."

"I have my ears pierced and that's it." Alice said.

"I have nothing." Jasper said.

"My question!" Rosalie said, "Do you believe in love?" Rosalie Hale – Hopeless romantic. That would be the definition, not that that's a bad thing though. A belief in something is better than nothing.

"I do, because I love you Rosie." Emmett said, smiling adoringly at her. Sweet. I thought as all eyes looked at me waiting for my answer.

"I don't believe in love." I said as all eyes were trained on me.

"Why?" Alice gasped, I shrugged, because love has never real been part of my life, other than loving my sisters and brothers. "You love Nixie." She said.

"I love Nixie and my family because we're linked by blood, you can't help but love your family. I just don't believe in love between a couple is all, you can be infatuated in my eyes, but love." I paused, "Love is a fairytale." I finished.

"I love Emmett." Rose said.

"In your eyes, but I don't believe in love, so I don't believe it, sure you like each other a lot, but love? I don't believe such a thing exists." I looked at Edward, "Do you?"

"I do." He said solemnly as if saying his vows at a wedding.

"I believe in love." Alice said.

"Same." Jasper agreed, I don't believe in love because all the men who ever said they loved my mother left her heartbroken and sad, all she was, was infatuated with them, no love, because love is a fairytale. And everyone knows fairytales are just that. Tales. And you shouldn't tell tales now should you. Because tales are lies. Everybody knows that. They're things you tell young children. When you grow older though you realise there is no glass slipper or enchanted sleep for a 100 years until prince charming comes along. You realise there are no such things, there are no wicked witches or big bad wolves. But there are the equivalents.

"Didn't you mum and dad ever love each other?" Alice asked, I laughed.

"No, my mother was infatuated, he," I paused, "He wasn't the type of man who loved, nor were my other sister and brothers fathers." I said, "Anyways Emmett your question?" I said changing the subject.

"One sec, don't you all have the same dad?" He asked.

"No apart from Rose and Oscar we all have different dads." I said.

"Who's Nixie's dad?" He asked I frowned.

"I already told Edward about him."

"He didn't say." Alice said.

"Oh, he was called Jason Gray." I said, "He died in a gang war when I was 15, he was 17, too young to die but he was in with the wrong crowd." I said.

"Didn't you love him?" Rose asked, I shook my head.

"Jason was my friend nothing more, we had sex when I was 13, even if love is real, which I don't believe it is, 13 is definitely too young to be in love. I got pregnant, I was a mug not to think of the consequences at the time I fu – had sex with him" I corrected, "But I think Nix's been brought up ok." I said, I guessed that Alice, Emmett and Edward had filled Rose and Jazz in on my family, as they didn't seem to confused "Emmett, question?" I asked.

"What are the craziest things or thing you have ever done?" He asked, I frowned, too many crazy things to remember.

"Once for a dare I ran down my street in just my underwear and nothing else, no shoes or anything just my bra and knickers. There were loads of people around too. Once I pretended to be a hooker as a joke and a guy actually asked how much I'd take for the night. And I jumped out my friend's first story bedroom window once, onto her trampoline and got really bad whiplash." I said. "There's more but I'll be here forever." I said and smiled as they all laughed. "Edward?" I asked.

"As a dare once I ran around our school in a pair of Hannah Montanna boxers Alice had custom made for me!" I fell into giggles with the rest of the room

"Erm…" Alice frowned thinking, "I got really drunk at a party once and kissed Mike Newton!" Everyone shrieked as that.

"Who's that?!" I asked.

"He is the most annoying skank ever, you'll meet him tomorrow, and he will be all over you." Rosalie said, I laughed.

"I can't wait!" I said sarcastically.

"Jasper?" Alice asked.

"Erm… I ran around the school with Edward for the same dare wearing only a pair of boxers that had flowers all over them, Alice got them especially." He said, we all laughed, "Rose?" She thought for a second.

"One time for a dare I got my tongue pierced, it absolutely killed, and I cried so much, so I took it out like straight away, it wasn't really worth it in the end!" She said.

"Oh my god, I had my tongue pierced and it hurt so bad, I left it in for a while but it was annoying so I took it out." I agreed with Rose.

"I joined Edward and Jasper except I was wearing these incredibly tight, tighty whiteys that were hideous." He said, I giggled along with the others. "What's your question then Bella?" he asked.

"What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" I asked.

"The Hannah Montanna boxers incident." Edward said.

"I had to go up to the front of the whole class in an assembly once and I was wearing this adorable skirt, and I tripped and fell on my back with my legs in the air, flashing my knickers to the whole school!" Alice cried, I giggled.

"Must have been the flower boxers for me." Jasper said. "Rose?"

"Oh god it has to be the time I was walking down the streets and all these guys kept checking me out and grinning at me, when I walked past these builders one yelled, 'nice pants love' and I realised that my skirt was tucked into my pants at the back. That was incredibly embarrassing." She said.

"The tighty whiteys by far, how about you Bella?" Emmett asked.

"When I was pregnant with Nixie and first started showing, at school the head teacher made me go to the front and be an example to everyone about getting pregnant. He was such a prick and I was like 13, my hormones were like crazy, and any fool knows not to anger a pregnant woman, so I like yelled at him for being a prick in front of the school, and I like stepped forwards for some reason. Then I blacked out and feinted. It was so embarrassing, I woke up on the floor in the hall with everyone staring at me, I was out for like 20 seconds, but when I sat up everyone was laughing at me, I later found out that when I was put cold and I was yelling that he farted on me! Or something like that." I said, everyone giggled.

"What an idiot that guy was." Edward said.

"I know! I got so mad, he never asked me anything again, or made an example out of me." I giggled. "You question Edward!" I cried happily.

"Ok, what is the scariest thing that ever happened to you?" I saw a look of sadness flash across Rosalie's face and I noticed Jasper glance at her worriedly, she shot him an encouraging smile, he looked at Edward, who was looking at Alice as she frowned.

"When Esme had had another miscarriage and I thought she was going to kill herself." Alice said sadly, "Jazz?"

"Erm…" He glanced at Rose, "Well one time when Rose was ill and there was a chance she might have not recovered I was scared." He said.

"When were you ill?" Emmett asked.

"Oh, you know I told you that I was hit by the car, which was why when I first came here I had the scars and bruises and things." She said. Liar. "That was the scariest time of my life, when I thought I might die." She said.

"I guess there was a time when we were hiking somewhere, I can't remember where though and this bear was there, it like ran at me, but I was ok, because the park ranger was close by and stopped it." He said, looking at me, "How about you Bella?" He asked, I shrugged. Too many scary things have happened in my life, it's hard to think of one that was the scariest, but I lied because the scariest one doesn't bare thinking about.

"When I had Nixie she was born premature and the nurses were unsure of whether she would pull through, but she did thankfully, she was strong." I said, just like me, because I'm strong, however much it hurts to do so. "Edward?"

"Erm… When I thought that that was going to happen to Esme as well, it was terrible." He said.

"We're back to the beginning." Alice said, I couldn't help but glance at Rosalie and see the pain in her eyes as she tried to fight the tears that seemed to want to cascade down her cheeks. She managed and I was the only one who saw, her eyes caught mine and I recognised the look in her eyes, the look of pain, loss of innocence and misery. But I also saw the look of hope in her eyes. Because there's always hope. _'When all logical thoughts tell you to give up. Hope whispers in your ear to try just one last time.' _

**You have to love me!**

**This chapter is uber long, it's like 3, 452 words.**

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	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

I don't know quite how long I have known that life isn't fair, but I believe that I have been aware of this fact for as long as I have been alive. I was born into world of poor people, drug dealing, prostitution, violence, death, rape, beating, hate and evil. But I made my way through it, I fought to stay alive and keep my family alive as best as I could, however hard it seemed at times, I managed to do it, well I managed to keep most my family alive. I lost Lizzy and Tommy but I did my best. And that's all I can do, I have always done my best because it's all I can do, and when I don't do my best I think that if I had I could have done better. I know I did my best for Lizzy and Tommy but I know that other times I could have done more.

Because the third rose on my hip signifies a girl I knew when I was seven years old. She was called Natasha Sanner, I was seven years old when she died, and I witnessed it, I watched on and could not do anything for her.

Renée was dating Mark Sanner's, Tash's father, he was a terrible man, I don't know whether he still is or not, I haven't see him for at least 10 years. He would beat my mother who had just had Tommy, he was about a month or so old Mark wasn't his father, Renée had Tommy before she moved in with Mark. Evan, the twins and Lizzie were also born then, Tash was Mark's daughter from another woman. She left Tash with Mark when she was about 6, and Mark had various different girlfriends who looked after Tash, all he did for her was beat her. She was 12 when I first met her, we were all living in Marks' dirty little house, I was sharing a room with Tash, Lizzie, little Tommy, Evan, Daphne and Oscar we were sleeping in one big bed and on various couches and mattresses on the floor in the room, I looked after Tommy always, my mother didn't really do much for him, it was usually me, but Tash loved him to pieces too, she always helped me, Daphne tried but she was too young. Tash and I got on really well, she was like the big sister I always wanted. She'd always help me hide the little ones when Mark was in a rage, it would be Tash my mother and sometimes me who got the beatings unless Tash had persuaded me to hide that time to look after the little ones.

One time we had hidden the little ones and my mother was out, he was angrier than I had ever seen him in my life, Tash hid me in a cupboard, I think she knew what was coming because she told me to stay quiet and look after the little ones always. She said she loved me too. She didn't have time to hide though, all the could do was push the cupboard door too as he stepped inside the kitchen, the cupboard was in the kitchen, it was just under the sink and I was always small for my age so I fit easily. All I wish is that she had been able to close that cupboard door properly because I could see through gap as he walked into the room yelling, he beat her, really bad, I could see he had taken some drugs too, his pupils were dilated and he was sweating tonnes, he beat her for a while then used the glass bear can I could see to smash it into her head, she fell to the floor unconscious, bleeding and beaten. Then he raped her, he raped his 12 year old daughter, she wasn't awake through any of it, I realise now that it must have happened before, that when she hid the little ones and she would be dragged off by him being beaten, that that's what he did, I didn't realise before but it all becomes so much clearer when your older. He would rape her if my mother wasn't around to be used.

Then he left her on the floor, she was bleeding from where the glass she had fallen on had dug into her arms and back, also from where he had beaten her and broken the skin. I called an ambulance, they got there too late, they found me sitting with her head in my lap sobbing my little heart out, they found Mark Sanner at the pub. I stood up in front of the court and told them everything I saw, I told them about all the times he had beaten me and how he had done the same to my mother and my little sisters and brothers.

They sent him to Death Row. I don't know if he's dead yet, if not I hope he's living in fear like poor Tash did everyday of her life, waiting for him to finish the job. But I like to think that she's in a better place now.

"I'm going to see Emmett." I was pulled from my thought as Rosalie spoke, I blinked back the tears ands turned to her as she stood up

"I'm going to see Jasper." Alice said standing too, I sighed and stood up.

"I'm going to see Edward." I said and laughed, they giggled. "Joke obviously, you guys have fun." I said flopping back on the bed, wiggling my eyebrows.

"We'll be back later." Alice said.

"It's not going to work Alice." Rose said.

"Why?" Alice said.

"You'd bring Jasper back here for the night right?" Alice nodded, "But Bella's here." She said and laughed, Alice sighed.

"Never mind, tell Jasper I'm sorry and that he'll have to sleep on Edward's couch for the night."

"Don't worry I'll go sleep on Edward's couch and you and Jasper can have a little alone time." I said and laughed, so did Rose, Alice blushed.

"I can't make you do that." She said, I shrugged.

"Don't worry I'll make Edward sleep on the couch if it makes you feel any better." I said giggling.

"Well if you're sure." She said.

"It's just a different bed Alice, all I'm gonna do is sleep."

"Really Bella, because Edward so fancies you."

"He has a girlfriend and I refuse to let him cheat on her with me."

"What if he duped her?" Rose asked

"Fuck knows, I sure don't." I said walking out the door as they giggled at my crude language. I reached Edward's door as Rose walked into Emmett's and I could hear her saying to Jasper to go to Alice's room.

"What?" I heard Edward say. I opened the door and stepped inside as Jasper walked out his, he laughed at me and I put my hands on my hips.

"I'm only here so you and Alice can have a fuck actually." I said, he laughed.

"Thanks Bella." he said.

"My pleasure." I said sarcastically as I closed the door and walked towards Edward, he flipped his light on and frowned sitting up.

"Hello Bella." He said.

"Hi Edward." I said changing direction and flopping down his black couch, I was wearing some really short shorts that were white with a yellow waistband and multi colour stars all over them, I wore a baggy green polo shirt that belonged to some guy I knew once. "By the way I'm just here so Alice and Jasper can fuck or whatever as there are no other rooms apparently. Just so you don't think I'm like coming on to you or anything."

"Don't worry, I heard you talking to Jasper."

"Okie dokie." I said trying to get comfortable on his couch, which was proving more difficult than I first presumed. I could hear Edward chuckling and looked over at him, he was smiling the most gorgeous crooked smile I had ever seen in my life. He was sitting up in the bed and I could see his toned chest that made me want to swoon. "Stop laughing at me, this is really not very comfortable."

"Yeah I know." He said, he was sitting in the middle of the bed but he moved so he was on one of the sides of his big double bed. "Come on then." He said, I stood up cautiously and walked towards him.

"Nothing is going to happen ok, you have a girlfriend." I said.

"I dumped her." He said.

"Excuse me?" I asked stopping by his bed. "Just because you dumped her doesn't men I'll instantly fuck you or anything." I said, somewhat annoyed.

"I didn't mean it like that, I didn't like her anyway, I only dated her because she kept asking me and it shut her up. But I just said it so you don't think it's bad of me to sleep in the same bed as you when I already have a girlfriend." He back tracked quickly. So I pulled the cover back and got into the big bed and lay on my back, looking up at the ceiling.

"You are wearing pants right?" I asked quietly, he laughed.

"Yes I am." I giggled and rolled onto my stomach.

"Just checking." I said, my head faced where he was but I couldn't see him because it was so dark.

"Bella?" He asked.

"Yes?" I asked back.

"I-" He broke off, "Nothing."

"Just say it Edward, whatever it is, you'll regret it if you don't." I said he didn't speak for a while, I changed position so I was on my side, facing him still, I could hear his breathing as he too changed position, my eyes were growing accustomed to the tiny amount of light that filtered through the curtains, he too was facing me, we were so close I could feel his breath on my face. It smelt of peppermint toothpaste. I knew what was going to happen and I knew that it couldn't, because if we kissed then we would probably fuck there and then and I knew that that would lead to so much more because it always did. And complications were not what I wanted with Edward, I am not sure what it was that I wanted, but I know it wasn't a one night stand or fuck buddies or friends with benefits or any of those other things like usual. It pained me to admit it but I wanted a relationship with Edward and quite frankly relationships scare me, because I have watched my mother in so many failed relationships that I can't really believe such things are possible. Just like I have watched Renée tell men she loves them and then move onto another man a week after and say the same to him. Because I know that the truth is that I am scared of commitment, so I let out an exaggerated sigh and steadied my breathing so it sounded like I was asleep, I rolled over making a little murmuring noise, my back to Edward. I heard Edward curse as he sighed and muttered about what an idiot he was. As I closed my eyes and tried to sleep which proved so much harder than I had hoped.

**Hope you liked it.**

**Sorry it isn't that long.**

**It's kind of more of a filler than anything else, though it is important because you find out about Tash but next chapter will be more interesting.**

**Thanks for reviewing last chapter those of you that did.**

**Please review this one.**

**:D**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**XXX**


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 7

They say nobody's perfect and I believe them, because perfection is not possible, sure you may do something perfectly well, but the chances are you might only do that once, because I know better than anyone just how difficult it is to be perfect, of course I have tried, I have beaten myself up over not being perfect enough, but at the end of the day, I know and so does everyone else, that perfection is impossible. But still people try to be perfect, even if they know they can't be, they do it just to see and then get addicted to trying to be perfect, that gets you nowhere. Because more often that not you hurt yourself in the process, trying your hardest to be something your not helps nobody, not even you.

I had woken the day before with my back to Edward, him facing my back asleep, I hurriedly stood up and quietly got my things together, Alice and Jasper didn't wake as I grabbed my stuff. Thankfully they were fully clothed and hugging each other in their sleep.

"Hurry up!" I said exasperated. "We can't be late on our first day." I cried, thankful that the car had appeared when I had got home the day before, I hadn't seen the Cullen's again that day, but Alice did call and we chatted for a while.

"Coming!" Daphne cried, we piled into the car, and went to the nursery school, and took Nixie and Toby in telling them to wait for Esme after. We did however reach the school eventually, we parked the car and made our way to the front entrance.

"Hello I'm Isabella Swan, this is Evan Manning, and Daphne and Oscar Damon." I said.

"Oh right, you all have the same mother, Renée yes?" The woman asked, her frizzy brown hair surrounding her freckled face.

"Yes that's her." Daphne said.

"Oh right, well here are your schedules, a timetable, and you must have this slip signed by each teacher you have. Good luck." She said handing us each three pieces of paper.

"Thanks." Evan said as we walked off, "See you guys later." Evan said to Daphne, Oscar and me.

"Yeah bye, you guys." I said walking off too, Daphne and Oscar went to their class as they had all the same classes together

I walked beside Jessica Stanley to the cafeteria, I presumed she was the Jessica that was Edward's ex-girlfriend because when I had previously mentioned that I already knew the Cullen's and Hale's, she told me Edward was a prick and she looked kind of upset. I could feel all eyes on me as I we walked towards a large table, Alice jumped up immediately, pulling me alongside her to an empty chair.

"I saved it for you!" She cried happily.

"Thanks Alice." I said sitting down beside her, next to her was Jasper, and beside me was Edward, right at the end, as far away from Jessica as it seemed humanly possible, as she sat opposite us, but at the far end. Rose sat opposite Edward and I with Emmett on the end of the table.

"This is Angela, Ben, Mike, Tyler, Eric, and you already know Jessica." Alice said. Angela was beside Rosalie and next to her was Ben, then next to him was Eric, Tyler and then Jessica. Opposite Jessica on the end was an empty space, beside the space was Mike, then Jasper was next to him. It was quite a squish but me made it.

Everyone talked around me, I just sat quite quietly staring off into space really, I could feel Edward's eyes on my face every so often, I wanted more than anything else to look back at him, but knew it would help noone. I looked up as a blonde girl walked over, she had dark brown eyes and her skin was slightly tanned, I guessed the use of fake tan was the reason, she caught my eye and we both smiled at the same time.

"If it isn't Lauren Mallory." I said, she smirked.

"If it isn't Bella Swan." I grinned and stood up, I stepped towards her and she stepped to me, I kissed both her cheeks politely as always, she giggled, "Since when did you get so formal?" She asked pulling me into a hug.

"Since you left me in Phoenix." She giggled.

"My bad." She said, "So you're the new girl then!"

"No shit Sherlock!" She smacked my arm lightly.

"There's no need to be mean, as you know, I am a true blonde B." She said.

"I didn't realise this was where you moved to." I said.

"Yeah, lucky me, I so missed you Bella, all the parties and the clubs, and the fun!" She cried, I laughed.

"Yeah, sorry I never kept in contact." I said.

"I hate you for that biatch!" She said.

"You sound like a plastic dweeb L." I said.

"Then so are you."

"I don't think so!" I said, "Well if I am I am the coolest dweeb ever!."

"I'm a blonde dweeb! We're so much more fun than brunettes."

"No offence Rose," I said glancing at her quickly, "But we all know that blondes are just brain dead numptey's Lauren." She gasped in mock horror and the people at the table laughed.

"Ok you win, as always." I laughed at her

"Bella…." I turned to Evan, he frowned at Lauren, "Do I know you?"

"I'm Lauren, Bella's friend from Phoenix." She said.

"Oh yeah I remember you, your sister was my age and incredibly fit right? Is she here?" He asked, Lauren pointed to a girl on a table full of other pretty girls and popular boys. "We'll have to catch up." He said grinning.

"Did you want something Evan?" I asked.

"Yes actually, do you have money cause I forgot mine." I frowned.

"Who says I'm going to give it to you if I have any?"

"Aww please Bella." he said, "I'm so hungry I could die." He said, I sighed pulling the money from my pocket and handing him enough for lunch.

"There you go." I said.

"Thanks Bella!" He said happily, ruffling my hair, I elbowed him in the side, he yelped. "Ok, I promise I'll never do that again." I smiled sweetly.

"I thought so." I said, "I'm sick of standing." I said sitting down, Lauren sat opposite Jess.

"How do you two know each other then?" Mike asked.

"Lauren moved to Phoenix about five years ago, we got friendly, and then she moved about two years later, we haven't seen each other since."

"Which was like three years ago."

"Wow Laure, you are so good at maths!" I cried sarcastically, she giggled.

"I know B, no need to flatter me." She said, I laughed and the table resumed conversation, I found myself laughing with Lauren and talking about old times.

"So Bella, have you slept with Edward already?" She asked, I laughed.

"No I haven't actually." I said.

"So why'd he dump Jess?" Jess glared at her.

"Shut up Lauren." She hissed, I shrugged, turning to Edward.

"Why did you dump Jessica?" I asked.

"We weren't really working out." He said loud enough for everyone to hear, Jessica ran off upset, Angela followed behind.

"You're such a hoe bag Lauren, you made her cry." I said.

"Well he obviously dumped her because he found out how you hate cheaters, in the hope you would fuck him." She said matter of factly.

"Doesn't mean I have, doesn't mean I will." I said.

"Of course you will you like hot guys." I laughed.

"Ok enough with this, L zip your mouth." I said, she laughed.

"Jeez Bell's your still the same as you were like 3 years ago."

"So are you." Smiling at her, she stuck her tongue out at me.

"You are so mean B, I was a fashion reject, had no idea how to wear make-up and was utterly clueless when I met you." I smiled.

"And look at you now hunny, I did an amazing job." I said grinning at her.

"Aww thanks Bella." She said, we continued like that, everyone chatting. We finished lunch and I walked with the others, I felt a hand catch my wrist, I looked art Daphne, "You kay?" I asked concerned.

"I need to talk to you." She said, the other were watching.

"I'll be one sec." I said and stepped a few feet away. "What is it?" She looked up at me, I could see Oscar glancing at us every few seconds and Evan was staring at us.

"Bella." She whispered, I leant down a bit.

"What Daphy?" I asked confused, I followed where she was looking there s a teacher picking out the food, he looked about 30 or so.

"He's one of them Bella." She whispered, I gasped.

"You mean one of…" I trailed off.

"Yes."

"Jesus fucking Christ." I urgently beckoned Evan over.

"What is it?" He asked confused, Oscar had joined us, I explained, Evan's fists clenched and he looked ready to burst, he took a step forward, I grabbed his arm.

"You can't Evan." I said trying to push him back, I could feel eyes on us as Evan glared daggers at the man.

"I am going to fucking kill him." He muttered.

"Evan!" I cried as he stepped forwards, me trying to pull him back.

"He's a fucking dead man." He hissed, at that point the man looked up and saw us, his eyes took us all in, his eyes on Daphne, then back at the incredibly angry Evan, his eyes went wide and his face paled in an instant. I raised my right hand and stuck two fingers up at him, giving him the V's and glaring, I heard people whispering around us, Evan laughed. I then turned back to Evan, realising I had to sort him out first.

"Don't be such an idiot and think with your head not your fists Evan."

"Stop it Evan, this won't help anyone." Oscar interjected.

"People are staring." Daphne said the teacher walked out the cafeteria quickly. Evan seemed to relax.

"Fuck shit bugger wank." I cursed worriedly.

"We can go Daphne, we can leave, we'll tell Renée, and she'll move if we beg, we'll get through." Oscar said.

"We can't go." Evan said. "I have to kill that bastard first. Don't you want to Bella?" He asked, I laughed, it was cold and unfeeling.

"Of course I want to fucking kill him, I want to hurt him so bad he screams like a girl, I want to fucking cut off his balls and burn them, I want to give him one hell of a nipple cripple, I want to hurt him." I said.

"Exactly." Evan said.

"But I won't. Let's heat things up, let's make him sweat before we do anything drastic." I said, Evan shrugged.

"As long as I get to smack him one."

"Who do you want to smack?" Emmett asked.

"And whose balls does Bella want to chop off and burn?" Alice asked.

"And then give a nipple cripple to?" Jasper asked.

"A fucking prick." Evan said.

"Why do you want to hurt someone?" Edward asked.

"I don't, we were joking, weren't we Evan." I said subtly elbowing him in the ribs, noticing that it was only, Evan, rose, Alice and Edward left of the original group.

He nodded, "Yeah."

"Are you ok?" Rosalie asked looking at Daphne who, was gripping my hand tightly and holding Oscar's shoulder in panic.

"She's fine." Oscar said.

"I need the loo, show me where it is Bella." Daphne asked, I turned to walk way then grabbed Evan's arm.

"Don't even fucking think about it." I said, quietly, hoping noone else heard.

"Ok." He said and walked back to his friends, Oscar doing the same.

"Do you actually need a pee or was that just to get rid of Evan?" I asked my sister.

"Yea sorry, meet you at the cat later ok?."

"Yeah, you'll be ok right?" I asked concerned.

"Of course, I always am aren't I?" She said, I couldn't help but disagree, Daphne was never anywhere close to ok it seemed.

"Chow." I said and turned back to the curious faces.

"What was all that about?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing."

"Your brother seemed pretty mad." Edward said, and I shrugged.

"He has anger problems." I said.

"Chow chow hunnies." I said blowing a kiss over my shoulder, as a reaction they put their right hands in the air, catching it, I smiled at them, thinking how very much like my mother I was. And very much doubting that was a good thing.

**I am so sorry that this chapter is kind of bad/boring.**

**But it's needed for the story.**

**So I'm sorry.**

**But I have had like the crappest week ever.**

**Well mainly the last two days but never mind.**

**Next chapter will be way better.**

**:D**

**MyLookOfDenial**

**XXX**


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 8

I know that not everyone in this world cares, not everyone in this world gives a shit if I live or die, I know that there are people out there who do not know me, but I can't help but wonder about their lives. Are they happy? Do they cry themselves to sleep each night? When I look at a person I wonder about their lives, I see a woman walking alone down a street, her briefcase tucked neatly under her arm, her smart business suit all expensive labels and fancy lining. I can't help but wonder who she is. She may have a weeding ring on her finger but that doesn't mean she's happily married, she may have a terrible life and I'll never know, the bruise on her wrist could be because she tripped, or could it be something more sinister. But the truth of the matter is, this woman could be anyone and I will never know her name, I will never know her life story.

I think about people's lives to take my mind off my own life, my past, my present and my future. But I do not want people to judge me when they see me, like I judge people, I want people to see me as I am, yet I know that this is near impossible because even without thinking about it we judge people that we know little or nothing about. Because we can. Because it's who we are. And I am no exception to this rule, nor do I doubt are many people in this world, because that's the way it is, and I don't doubt either that this is the way it will always be. For better or for worse. We are judgemental, we don't give a shit about other people that we see on the street, sure there are a handful of people out there who do. But I can't truthfully say I do, my own problems, ideas and thoughts outweigh the random people I see on the street. Regardless of how they may seem.

"I'm a monster for these cookies, I'm a beast for the treats, An animal for the crackers, Head to feet they so damn sweet, Can't keep my hands, my hands, my ha-uh my, Can't keep my hands, my hands, my hands out the cookie jar!" Blared out into the quiet room as I lay on my bed staring at the white ceiling, wondering about what exactly was happening in my life,. I hurriedly put the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I said, not recognising the number that had called my phone.

"Hi Bella its Edward."

"Hi Edward." I said.

"I would have rung your landline but it was engaged so Alice gave me your mobile number, I hope that's ok."

"Yeah that's fine don't worry." I said, guessing it was Evan who was hogging the phone, as always.

"I just wondered if you were ok, at school earlier you seemed a bit upset then you rushed off home."

"Oh yeah sorry about that," I paused trying tot think of an explanation, but finding none, so saying nothing.

"Oh right, don't worry about it, are you ok though?" He asked, his voice was somewhat tinny on the end of my phone.

"Oh yeah I'm fine, don't worry about me." I said cheerily, even though I was far from cheerful.

"Why did you swear at that teacher?" He asked, I paused, trying to think of an explanation, the lies that usually flowed so fluently from my mouth failing me in a time of need. "Bella?" He asked after a few seconds.

"Yes, well he was at my last school and he was such a prick." I lied, not about the prick part, but the teacher part.

"Oh ok." I could practically hear his disbelief at my blatant lie. "Tell me the truth Bella." He said sadly, probably knowing I would not, but asking anyway. I felt the tears spill from the corner of my eyes and fall down the sides of my face, to disappear into my hair line.

"There's nothing to tell Edward." I said, my tears could not be heard as I spoke, my voice was strong and true.

"Ok." He said somewhat dejectedly, making me feel terrible for lying.

"I'm sorry." I said before hanging up as the tears continued to draw lines down my face, salty and regret filled. But the truth would help nobody, the truth would hurt too much to speak.

"Bella?" Daphne said as she opened my door and stepped into he room, closing it firmly behind her as she walked over to my bed, I didn't bother drying my tears as I lay in the centre of my double bed, one hand on my ribcage, the other above my head, my hand in a loose fist, with my phone inside it. One of my legs was bent and the other stretched out, I glanced at Daphne as she sat beside me, perched on the edge of the bed. I glanced back at the ceiling, away from Daphne's puffy eyes.

"I'm scared." She said as she lay down beside me, I let my left hand drop from my ribcage and took her hand in my own, as her sobs filled the room, my own sobs were silent, as the tears poured like little waterfalls from my sad eyes.

"Don't be Daphy, it'll be ok." I said, not quite believing my own words, but feeling I had to say them anyway, my words were not whispered through sobs, but spoken clearly, although the lie in my voice could be heard.

"It won't though will it, I thought we could forget here. I thought it would be ok, this isn't how it's meant to be." She said dejectedly.

"We can be ok, it's just bad luck is all, we can move, and go anywhere, or we can press charges, I know it's late, but we could." I said, knowing full well we could not.

"Stop lying Bella." he said.

"It's my job, it's what I do Daphy, I always make up the lies to protect us, I make up the lies to make us feel better."

"Just this once, don't." She said.

"Ok." I said, "It's not going to be fucking alright, it's all screwed up because of some disgusting bastard." I said anger colouring my voice. She turned on her side as her hand still gripped mine, and pressed her head into my shoulder.

"I want to fall asleep and wake up from this nightmare." She said.

"It'll get better, I promise." I said.

"But it isn't." She said.

"It takes time Daphy." I answered.

"It was different for you." She said, "You wouldn't know."

"Maybe it was, but hardly Daphy, it's still the same, the pain you feel never changes, however many times it happens." I answered, knowing the truth weighted my words heavily.

"But it's not, your fine Bella, you act as if it never happened, as if you're fine, how can you?" She asked, through her heart wrenching sobs as she gripped my hand, my other hand smoothed her hair from her forehead in a motherly way.

"I'm not saying that I never feel like shit, I do, I do so often, but I'm a good actor, you should know that." I said.

"But you are fine Bella." She said.

"I know, I guess I've dealt with it, but sometimes I'm not Daphy."

"I don't understand how you can be so ok with it Bella. So much more had happened to you than it has me and I'm not over it." She said in-between broken sobs in a half whisper as she tried to speak.

"Because I'm strong Daph, but it only happened 6 months ago Daph, and it had never happened to you before, of course you're not over it yet." I replied.

"I try to be strong, I really do, but I just can't."

"Don't feel you have to do anything, take it at your own pace, don't use me as your guideline." I said.

"I know." She whispered.

"It's gonna be ok Daphy." I said.

"I love you Bella." She said.

"I love you too little sis." I replied.

"I'm going to bed." She said, I pulled her to me into a hug, she hugged be back tightly. I kissed her cheeks. "I'm sorry Bella, I love you, and you are the best sister a girl could ask for." She whispered as she hugged me back.

"So are you Daphy." I whispered back, for some reason a hint of goodbye seemed to taint the conversation. "I love you." I said, I let go as she got up and walked to the door, wiping away her tears, I locked eyes with her one last time.

"Sorry." She whispered so quietly I was barely sure I even heard it. "Love you too." She said before closing the door, I lay back on my bed, staring at the blank ceiling again, but getting bored and jumping up, drying my tears.

I opened the front door and frowned as I saw Edward there, wondering what he was doing there.

"Hello Edward." I said, stepping back so he could walk inside.

"Hey, I hope you don't mind me coming round like this." He said,

"Nope, was there anything in particular you wanted?" I asked

"I just thought I would visit." He shrugged and smiled that gorgeous crooked smile at me. I couldn't help but crack a smile too as I closed the door behind him.

"Come in then." I said, he stepped inside, and smiled at me as I closed the door and walked up the stairs, him following behind. My hair was in a high ponytail, and I wore baggy grey tracksuit bottoms and a pale pink polo shirt. My face was free of make-up, my eyelashes were already suitably long, thick and black to need mascara, but I've just always liked them extra long. I sat down on my bed and Edward looked around my room, it was a pale yellow colour, the bed was incredibly big and had a green cover on, with button along the top, and matching pillows with buttons down one short side. It was quite a large room, with a desk and a laptop sitting on top, a wheelie chair was beside it, thee were two little bedside table either side of my large bed. With various items on them, there was a small sofa and a TV too, facing each other. My wardrobe was huge and a walk in one. The floor was a light blue colour, there were clothes scattered on the floor and various other items too. "So, what can I do for you?" I asked, hoping he didn't notice that my eyes were slightly red, a sure sign I had been crying. I looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw that it read nine : forty five.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok." He said, I smiled jumping up and walking over to him where he stood in my room, the laugh did not reach my eyes.

"I'm fine, never better." I said somewhat brokenly as I choked on the vile lies.

"No your not." The tears gathered in my eyes as I tried to blink them away, the weakness making me feel pitiful. However try as I might the tears refused to be stopped, the slipped from my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks in a wild search for the ground, each tear followed by another as my bottom lip trembled, as the terrible images flew through my mind: _Daphne lying half dead on the floor as she was beaten. Me running forwards to try to save my sister from death. Being grabbed myself by big strong hands, any attempts at escape were futile as I tried to resist. Knowing nothing I could do would help me, but feeling the need to carry on fighting. Yet knowing what I was doing was right, because Daphne had to survive, she couldn't die in such a way. So again, I sacrificed myself for another. For another person I cared about, praying that this time I could save a life. _I was brought back to reality as Edward pulled me to him, his arms wrapping around my slim waist as the sobs wracked through my body, I wrapped my arms around his neck as I sobbed onto his shoulder. Letting out the heart wrenching sobs in a way I had not done for months. He pulled me to the bed and sat down, pulling me onto his lap with him, my legs curled up as he held me to his chest, my sobs as my side pressed against his front, my head just beneath his, he stroked my hair and held me to him with his free hand around my waist. My sobs came down in volume but the tears carried on, however much I wished that they did not, they still fell like raindrops from the sky, the with so much more meaning and sadness. I couldn't be sure but I thought I felt him press his lips to my head, but then it could have just been his cheek, I looked up at him, he smiled down at my tear stained face, his emerald green eyes were fixed on my own chocolate brown eyes that were filled with more pain than he would ever know, that anyone should ever know. He held me like that for a long time, me relishing in the feel of someone simply holding and comforting me.

"Do you feel better?" He asked, his voice breaking the silence, I shrugged, feeling nothing but the sadness pressing down on me like a tonne of bricks.

"Kinda." I whispered, my voice croaky from the tears.

"I should go." The apprehension on my face was reflected by his eyes, but I hurriedly wiped the expression from my face.

"Ok, I'll see you later." I said getting off him, wishing he would stay, but too scared he would say no to ask him to. Don't leave me, I whispered in my mind, but I dried my tears and smiled at him slightly, feeling better. "Thanks." I said, he smiled.

"It's fine." He said as we walked down the stairs, "I won't ask why you're upset because I know you won't tell me, but I hope that in time you'll trust me enough to." He said his eyes regretful at this statement.

"Of course." I murmured kissing each of his cheeks. "I don't really trust anyone." I said as kind of explanation, he walked out the door, and shrugged as he walked away, throwing a smile over his shoulder as he did, I smiled back, he turned and walked away then.

The gun shot woke me, travelling through the quiet house like a knife had been ripped through a sheet of paper. Shocking and terrifying at the same time. Waking me from my slumber. The nightmare I could not wake up from became my life, the nightmare was real. And that gunshot cut me into pieces as sure as any knife could. Because I knew just what had happened yet prayed that I was wrong.

**Not as long as I would have like but I hope it's good,.**

**I know it's a bit of a nothingy chapter but it's needed to get where we are. **

**You will see in later chapters that it is actually quite important.**

**Sorry for the late update.**

**I've had a lot going on recently.**

**What do you think happened to Daphne and Bella then?**

**If you think you know, let me know!**

**:D**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**XXX**


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 9

The gun shot woke me. The gun shot broke me. The gun shot practically fucking killed me. The gun shot sent my sister away from me forever. The gun shot took another innocent from this world. The gun shot replayed over and over in my head until that dreadful bloody sound practically suffocated me. The gun shot stole Daphne from us. The gun shot did not shout murder. The gun shot screamed fucking suicide. Over and over again in my mind until I wanted to do was fucking scream myself.

Fate. Fate is such an elegant yet cold hearted whore. It doesn't give a shit about how much it can ruin your life. Was it really fate for Daphne to die, or Lizzy or Tommy, or any of the other innocents out there? They say that things always happen for a reason. But what incredibly fucked up reason could there be, that such terrible things happen in this world. I can't honestly say that I believe this, I think that's its simply chance. Chance whether you live. Chance whether you die. And I also believe that chance is a fucked up stupid thing because it was only by chance that those despicable men cornered Daphne in that alley, but it was also chance that I was also passing through that way. It was chance that I was there, it was chance that I managed to get their attention off beating her, it was chance that Daphne actually survived.

It has been chance all my life that I'm still alive, because otherwise I would be long dead. I have nearly died so many times that it's sometimes hard to remember them all. It has to be chance that Daphne decided she could not live on after what happened to her. Rape does that to some people. But they can't be looked down on for crumbling under the pressure. Even the best of us fall sometimes. No matter who we are or what we do, sometimes we just can't live on. Sometimes taking your own life becomes the answer to all those terrible questions that are inside of us.

I ran down the road, my bare feet pressing into the sharp stones on the road, but not caring about the pain it caused, only caring about getting to the Cullen's house. Toby and Nixie were like lead weights in my arms, but I carried on anyway and banged on the door. A minute or so later the door opened and Emmett stood there looking confused, he was wearing only a pair of pyjama bottoms and no top, the muscles in his chest rippled. He frowned when he took in my appearance, I had two sleeping children in my arms, I was wearing some pyjama trousers that were pale green and a big baggy grey pullover jumper, and there was an expensive looking handbag in my hand, which was very full.

"Bella, what the hell are you doing here, it's like 6 in the morning?" He asked groggily, blinking the sleep from his eyes.

"I can't explain now, but please can you look after Nixie and Toby?" I asked, the panic creeping into my voice.

"Why?"

"I don't have time to explain now, but they can't be back there, I wouldn't ask if there was anyone else." I said, my voice rising an octave in panic and terror.

"Ok, that's fine." I kissed their cheeks and handed them to Emmett.

"Just put them to bed for a while or something." I said shoving the handbag onto his wrist, "Their stuffs in here, I'll call you later." I said turning, "And thanks." I said as I took off running again, not caring that my feet were bleeding and painful.

I pushed the door open and walked inside, the sorrow surrounded us like a blanket, the room seeming cold and unfeeling. The police were trying to talk to Evan and Oscar, but to no avail, Evan sat there telling them all to fuck off, and Oscar stared off into the distance, the tears streaming down his pale face. I sat beside him on the sofa and pulled him to me, he nestled into me, as I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, my other hand twirled my hair worriedly round my finger. A police woman sat down beside me, trying to put a comforting arm around me, I curved my body as far away from her as possible, she got the hint and dropped her arm.

"I know this is a terrible time for you Isabella-" She said in a nasally sounding voice.

"Bella." I cut in.

"Bella," She continued, "But can I just ask what could have caused her to take her own life?" She asked, I glanced at her, taking in her pale blue eyes, her dark blonde hair pulled away from her face into a bun, she smiled at me, her slightly yellowed teeth and crooked angles of them showing. Her little ski jump nose crinkled slightly as my phone went off in my pocket. I pulled the phone from my pocket and ignored the call, not caring that it was Edward. I put it back and glanced at her again, her thin lips were chapped and as unattractive as the large mole that seemed to rest beside them, at one corner of her mouth. "Please Bella, otherwise we may be looking at a murder." I snorted at that.

"Daphne took her life as sure as I am sitting here." I said coldly.

"How can you be sure?" She asked.

"She as good as told me goodbye last night." I said, the hint of goodbye last night was not my imagination.

"How so?" She asked, I shrugged.

"At the time I can't say I thought that much of it. But it's clearer now."

"But why?"

"She had a hard life." I murmured.

"Why?"

"Would you stop asking fucking questions, my sister is dead, do you actually think I give a shit about what you have to say woman? Have some sympathy and give us a day or two, she committed suicide ok?" I yelled at the stupid cow, she nodded agreeing with me.

"I'm sorry if I upset you." She said politely.

"Fucking bitch." I muttered as I stroked Oscar's hair, trying to calm him as he began to sob uncontrollably. The first tears for Daphne's death began to slip down my cheeks as my eyes overfilled, the pain falling down my cheeks, as I held Oscar close to me, trying to comfort him yet to comfort myself at the same time. I could only imagine how bad it was for Oscar, for me it was terrible, for Oscar her twin, who had shared a womb with her and never been away from her for over a day it must have been so heart wrenching to know he would never see her again on this earth. I bit my trembling bottom lip and my mobile began to ring in my pocket, I pulled it out and answered the call.

"Hello." I said.

"Bella darling it's Renée." My mother said, "I got your message babe, why do you need me to call you?" She asked.

"I have some bad news." I said, drying my eyes.

"What?" She asked.

"I would rather not have to tell you over the phone but I guess I'm going to have to." I paused, "Daphne died this morning." I said sadly.

"Fucking hell, how?" She asked.

"She shot herself thought the head." I said, I heard a gasp from Renée.

"Shit." She muttered.

"I think you should come." I said.

"I- I have lots to do Bell's." She stuttered.

"Your daughter is dead Renée, have enough decency to come and at least stay for a few hours." I said.

"I dunno babes." She said unsure.

"Have a heart you good for nothing bitch." I said angrily.

"Don't Bella." She said annoyed.

"You don't give a shit do you?" I asked annoyed, "She's fucking dead, your own flesh and blood, do the right thing for once Renée!" I said before hanging up and closing my eyes tight, praying that it was all a dream, that it wasn't real. "Oh God, what the fuck are we going to do?" I whispered to noone in particular, thankful that the irritating woman had gone, Evan sat down beside me, I smiled slightly at him as he sat beside me.

"Carry on." Evan said. "Like with Oscar and Lizzy."

"We've lost too many, Lizzy, Tommy, Daphne." I said sadly, "Who fucking next?" I asked annoyed. "Because I can't loose anyone else." I whispered dejectedly.

"I know." Evan said, "I'm going to fucking kill that bastard that brought her to this." Evan said, I didn't answer immediately, in my head agreeing with him.

"Not yet." I answered as I felt the tears begin to roll down my cheeks yet again.

"I miss her already." Oscar whispered.

"I know Oscar." I whispered, "So do I." I said, "Please don't leave me too Ozzy." I said after a while, he made no answer. "I couldn't do it if you left too." I said.

"You'd be fine." He said. "You always are."

"But I wouldn't be after that." I said, knowing that he was right, I am fine, I am always fine, I keep going always, however broken up I am inside.

"I can't, I can't, do this." Oscar whimpered, at first not being able to get the words out. "It's so hard." He whispered I pulled him close to me as the sadness rolled down our cheeks.

"It's going to be ok." I whispered, more to reassure myself than Oscar, because reassurance was lost on a boy so sad. We sat on that sofa together for what seemed like hours, the police went after a while promising to come back tomorrow, I can't say we were that bothered really.

The door opened and my mother walked inside, she looked the same as she had done at the airport, except there was a slight bruise on her left cheekbone, I wondered if she had a new boyfriend. Or if that one of her 'customers' had got a bit angry, in her line of work that was not an irregular occurrence. Drug dealing isn't a walk in the park you know.

"Hello." She said mournfully, her voice somewhat pitiful, her vibrant blue eyes unhappy and miserable. Oscar gave her a hug, Evan and I sat stonily on the sofa, she sat down on the end with Oscar between us and Evan on my other side.

"I'm glad you came." I said softly, Oscar leant against me, I wrapped an arm around his shoulders comfortingly, holding his trembling body to me.

"Why did she do it?" Renée whispered.

"You know why." Evan said sadly.

"I thought she was better, I thought…" She trailed off.

"You thought wrong." I said sadly as the tears trailed their sadness down my cheeks.

"Why didn't you say that she wasn't getting better she could have seen a doctor?" Renée asked turning to me angrily, trying to put the blame somewhere else, a sad laugh slipped out my mouth.

"She was fine." I said.

"No she wasn't Bella, you should have known!" She cried.

"I'm not her–" I said, then realised my mistake, "I wasn't her fucking mother." I said sadly.

"I know, but you should have realised." She blamed, I turned to her angrily, the bitter resentment from me hit her full force as my gaze locked with hers.

"Do you think that I don't feel bad enough Renée, do you think I don't wish I had realised when there was time? Do you think I don't hate myself?" I asked angrily, "Because I do. But to be honest with you I think that the only person you have to blame is yourself, for not giving a shit. For not even visiting your own daughter when she lay in a coma on the hospital bed, for barely giving her a second glance when she was finally ok. So don't put you blame on me, I tried to look after her as best I could, I did all I could. Did you Renée, did you do all you could for Daphne?" I finished and closed my eyes tight, hoping to block out the world, to erase all the terrible shit that surround my family.

"I'm sorry." Renée whispered to noone, maybe she hoped that Daphne would hear her, or maybe it was just a general sorry to the world she had wronged.

I think that suicide is the worst kind of death, when you take your own life you admit that you can't go on any longer. You admit that it's all too much, you take yourself away from all those you love. On purpose. But those you love don't hate you for it, because they love you, they cry themselves to sleep at night for you, and wish you hadn't done it. But they don't hate you for going, they don't hate you because they know that you just couldn't go on. Maybe they hope that it was a moment of insanity or that you didn't really know what you were doing, they might hope that, but maybe in their hearts they sometimes know that the truth behind the matter was that they just didn't realise how bad it was. They realised too late that things were too much for you. But they could never hate you because they know that it was your choice to eliminate yourself from the world. And you did, however regretful they might be for not taking enough notice, they still won't hate you for going. Because they'll love you forever, keep you memory alive, but always wish that they had had a chance to say a proper goodbye, to try to persuade you otherwise.

So they'll keep on loving their memories of you and you, no matter what you have done because to them you were somebody that they will remember forever. So they'll keep on loving you. No matter how many bad marks are against you name, no matter if you took you own life in a moment of insanity, or a moment of complete sanity. No matter what they will love you because when you were alive you were loved and wonderful, that has helped your memory to live on inside of us.

Suicide is the worst kind of death because you willingly take your life, ignoring all those around you. But don't feel bad for it, because things were just too much for you and noone will hate you for telling the truth and admitting things were too much. Maybe you could have told us what was wrong with words, not a shot gun. Maybe that would have been a better way. But I can't fault your choices because I love you Daphne. I love you forever and ever, I wish you hadn't done it, but I know that wishing won't bring you back to me.

**Okay I got three reviews! Three freaking reviews! Which really pissed me off, I take my time to write this when I could be doing other stuff and I get three freaking reviews! **

**If I don't get at least 5 reviews I won't bother updating. **

**So thanks to those of you who did review! :D**

**And the others well of you take the time to read the chapter at least review it telling me what you think or something.**

**So please review this time, or o update!**

**Sorry to man but it just kinda annoyed me. **

**:D**

**MyLookOfDenial.**

**XXX**


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 10

Losing a loved one hurts so much, I should know it's happened to me too many times. One of the policewoman said that the angels must have been lonely, that made me cry so much, because the angels already had Tommy and Lizzie, but maybe they wanted Daphne too, she was always good and sweet, it wasn't her fault that those terrible things happened to her. It wasn't her fault that she was raped now was it. I can't tell you how much I wish it hadn't happened to her, because the pain disgust at yourself is so terrible, but I think the worst thing was that she was a virgin, she was pure, she was untainted. But when those men left her bruised and broken on the cold floor she was tainted, she was un-pure, at no fault of her won. But mostly she was hurt, so incredibly hurt, but I saved her life.

They had finished and she was lying on the floor, barely conscious as they kicked and beat her, but she I got there, I was there, I yelled at them to stop hurting her, I distracted them, I tried to call 911, but they got to me first. But I didn't care because I knew, I just knew that she was still breathing, they left me lying on the floor a few paces from Daphne, but I'm no saint, I saved her but it just wasn't enough, but if I could go back, knowing she would take her life, I would do it again, I would save her, they didn't deserve to take her life. So she took it herself. But I'm no saint, because she still died, not matter what I did she still died.

But I have given myself for my siblings numerous times. Poor darling Lizzie died, but she was a virgin, because I let him take me instead, I screamed and I fought, of course I did, but I knew as soon as I stopped him doing it to her that he would do it to me. But I did it anyway. But I was no virgin, and that's what mattered, he didn't take that from me, I willingly gave it. Rape was not my first time, rape did not steal my virginity from me. I gave it willingly away at the age of 12 because I maybe a slut but I refused to be like Tash, her sick father was her first time, I know that much, so I lost my virginity to the boy next door at 12. And that was ok, because I gave it, it was not stolen like Daphne's. I talk about rape as if it meant nothing, but it did, it was terrible, but it happened, the only benefit was that Lizzie died pure, it was only right, it was only fair, I was older, I was ok. But don't go thinking that Nixie was a product of rape. No. Nixie was the boy next doors. So I saved Daphne too, I fought of course I did, but like with Lizzie, I knew as soon as I yelled at them to stop that they would rape me too. But I'm no saint. I've done terrible thing sin life. But I saved Lizzie, maybe o anyone else it wouldn't seem like much, but it did to me, she died pure, I couldn't do that for Daphy, but she lived. For a while anyway.

Nixie threw herself at me, I hugged her tight as I held her close, burying my face in her shoulder as I sat on the sofa. I was crying into her shoulder.

"Mummy, what's the matter?" She said looking around, "Where's Daphy?" She asked, which only set me off into more sobs.

"Daphne's gone away darling." I said pulling away and smiling at her.

"Where?" She asked, "Is she with Lizzy and Tommy and daddy?" She asked and I nodded in reply.

"Yes sweetie." I murmured, and then took in the people around me, I was sitting on the sofa in between Evan and Oscar, Renée had Toby in her arms, and Edward, Alice and Emmett stood near Renée looking on.

"I'm gonna miss Daphy." She said sadly as I hugged her close to, finding comfort in her small body.

"We all will." I whispered.

"I'm going to bed." Oscar said, I caught his hand, turning my bag sad eyes to him.

"Please don't leave me." I whispered in a broken, hoarse whisper.

"I'm just going to bed." He said and I pulled him to me.

"Promise to wake up for me Ozzy?" I said, "I need you here, the angels can't have you too." I said as the tears poured down my cheeks.

"Bella…" He murmured.

"Please Ozzy I can't loose you too." I sobbed, my words barely audible.

"I'm, tired." He said pulling away, my broken sobs filled the room.

"Please." I whispered, the angels don't deserve him.

"He's just going to bed Bella." Evan said, Oscar had left the room I turned to him.

"Are you fucking stupid, he's going to kill himself too." I cried as I ran up the stairs, Nixie held tight in my arms, I burst into Oscar's room, he sat on the bed, his head in his hand, the room was big and on one side was Daphne's bed, he sat on it, he looked at me. "Don't Ozzy." I whispered, he smiled slightly and hugged me, Nixie sandwiched between us.

"I won't." He said.

"Liar." I whispered.

"I Pro-"

"Don't make promises you can't keep." I said, cutting him off.

"I won't Bella." He said, I kissed his cheeks and walked out the room as the tears poured from my cheeks, I looked up at Edward as he stood at the top of the stairs. He opened his arms wide and I walked into them, Nixie in between us, I sobbed onto Edward's shoulders as his comforting arms enveloped me, Nixie wriggled about.

"I wanna go see Renée." She said, I let her go and pressed my head into Edward's shoulder, my arms around his neck as his arms wrapped around my waist.

"Come on, you should go to bed." He said, I pulled away, his arm still round my waist as we walked into my room. I closed the door quietly, the only light in the room was from the window and it was only moonlight, the sky was surprisingly clear, no clouds to block out the moon. I pulled him with me as we reached the bed, my arms tight around his neck.

"Let me go Bella." He murmured.

"Stay with me." I whispered brokenly, not wanting to be alone, he didn't say anything, but he pulled the cover's up around us, reassuring me he wouldn't leave me. My head rested on his shoulder, his arms comfortingly rubbed my back and my top half of my body was pressed against his as I looked out the window, he lay on his back and I lay on my front, half on him. I stared at the moon, wishing that Daphne was still here, and hoping that Oscar didn't do it, because that would be too much. The tears slipped down my cheeks, wetting his shirt, I closed my eyes tight, the moon was a clear image behind my eyelids. "Lie to me." I whispered.

"What?" He asked.

"Tell me it'll be ok." I replied.

"I'm sure it will." He replied, I changed position so I was looking at him, I leant over so my face was above his, my tears dropping onto his face, the faint moonlight gave me a clear view of his face. I pressed my forehead to his, screwing my eyes tight shut, trying to block out everything, his hands smoothed circles on my back, as the sobs wracked my body, my eyes opened and I looked into his bright green eyes.

"I said lie to me Edward." I whispered the desperation apparent in my voice, although it shook and was half whispered he understood.

"It will be ok Bella, one day it will." He said I pressed my face into his shoulder again, my arms tight around his neck, once of his hands stroked my hair soothingly as I fell into a fitful, sadness filled dreamland.

The door flew open loudly, I tried to sit up, but Edward murmured in his sleep and pulled me back to him, I shook him slightly, he opened his eyes and I glanced at Nixie in the door.

"What's wrong Nix?" I asked.

"Oscar won't wake up mummy." She said, I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the room, I ran to his bed where he lay under the covers, his eyes closed, a peaceful look on his small face, I shook him. Knowing already that he would never wake, because the dead do not ever wake up. They disappear from the bodies they once inhabited and go somewhere I can only guess where. I checked for a pulse on his cold wrist, there was none. I put my ear over his slightly parted mouth, no air escaped. None ever would. The tears dripped from my cheeks as I picked up the two folded sheets on the table.

_To everyone, love Daphne._

_To everyone love Oscar._

They both read on the front, I opened the sheet of paper that had Daphne's writing on, noticing the smudged writing in places, wondering whether it was her tears or Oscar's that had smudged the writing.

_I'm sorry. I am so sorry. But I just can't go on, it's too much, that man being there is just too much. I know you would tell me to be strong and carry on Bella but I can't, not like you. I just can't. I am so sorry for doing this to you all, I know we have already all lost both Lizzie and Tommy, and I know that my death will hurt you but it hurts me too much to live. _

_I'm sorry for leaving you all, I just can't carry on living this life I hate. I'll give Lizzie and Tommy my love. I have no doubt that if heaven exists then they're there. I love you so much._

_Evan you always looked out for me, I know what you and Bella did for me, you got those men good, you didn't think I knew but I always did, Oscar told me, he heard you talking. _

_And Oscar, my darling brother, I am so sorry, but you keep living for me Oscar, do that for me please. _

_I'm sorry to leave you Toby your only 7 but you know so much of the world already, to any other 7 year old, I would say, you'll understand when your older. But you probably already do, I'm sorry to leave you, promise not to forget. _

_And Nixie, my little niece, you'll understand too, and if you don't now, you will soon._

_Renée, you are my mother but I have to say that Bella mothered me more than you ever did, but you helped me, you really did, if I had any other mother I would be a weak little girl who knew nothing of the world, if I was any other girl I wouldn't have had enough willpower to wake from that coma, if I was any other girl, I would have killed myself long ago. I love you, I love you for all your faults and all the good things about you._

_Bella, I love you for keeping me going, I love you for being my role model, I love you for being strong on the outside even if you felt like you were falling apart on the inside, and I love you for letting me curl up beside you in bed when the nightmares got too much, I love you for always being there. I love you for staying strong and lying when we needed it, and for telling the truth when it was needed, you are the best big sister a girl could ever ask for._

_Evan, I love you for looking out for me always, and if anyone ever gave me stick you'd sort them out for me, I love you for being the perfect big brother, I love you for playing pranks on me and I love you for laughing about the pranks I played on you. _

_Oscar, I love you always being there, throughout my life we have always been together and shared everything, I love you for refusing to leave my bedside, even at night when I was in a coma, I love you for being there when I woke up, I love you for sharing your life with me and sharing my life with you, I love how I could tell you everything, even when it was hard to talk to anyone else, I could tell you everything that had happened to me, I love you for keeping me alive for this long. Don't blame yourself for not doing enough, who was to know that that man would be a teacher? Noone, that's who, but mostly I love you for being my twin and for loving me back. _

_Toby, I love you for being so wise for one so young, I love how you hate showers and going to bed early, I love how you would always try to cheer me up when I was down, I love how you always knew though, sometimes even Oscar wouldn't know but you would pull funny faces at me and tell me silly jokes and stories. You may have been an annoying little brother at times, but you wouldn't have been a true little brother if you weren't annoying. You were the best little brother a girl could ask for. _

_Nixie, I love you for being the cutest little niece I could ever wish for, I love the way that you would let me dress you up and make me play Barbie and bratz with you, even though I moaned about it, I still like to play games with you. I love you for always being so happy and giggly, I love you for everything._

_I love you all. And if the afterlife is real, I'll see you there Not for a very long time though I hope_

_All my love._

_Daphne Rose Mercy Damon. XXX_

My tears stained the paper too.

**Yeah this chapter is kinda depressing and a tad pointless at times.**

**But it's kind of needed.**

**I'm sorry that I haven't been updating very quickly.**

**But the dreaded writer's block keeps getting me.**

**I know where the story is going, kind of.**

**But it's just getting there that's tricky.**

**Sorry for my rant about reviews last time.**

**But I was kinda annoyed, if you hadn't guessed. :P**

**So this time at least 5 reviews again. **

**Well, hope you enjoyed it.**** :D**

**XXX**


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

**Just to warn you there is a lemon in this chapter. **

CHAPTER 11

_To everyone,_

_I'm sorry to leave you, I really am, but Daphy is practically part of me, I feel so bad without her, I know that without me this is how she would feel, we have always been close, and now she's gone it's like a part of me is gone. _

_I'm sorry Bella, I know I said I wouldn't go, but I didn't promise, I did that much for you. I know you'll be sad and I don't blame your for it, I know how sad I am now Daphne gone. _

_I just read her letter before writing this and hers is so heartfelt and lovely, but I'm not like that. I always did my best, in whatever I did. I tired to keep Daphne alive, but I failed, she was only alive for so long because of you Bella, you saved her, we all know what you did for her, of course you did it for Lizzie too, she died innocent, you couldn't do that for Daphne but you kept her alive. You always say your no saint, but you are Bell's, you've saved us all at least once. Thanks for everything you did for me, don't blame yourself for what I have chosen to do._

_I love you Renée, it's a shame that you were never really around much, but I still love you mum. _

_And Evan, you always looked out for me and we messed around together, you taught me so much._

_Little Toby, I'll miss you little bro, I loved helping you out, I'm sorry to leave._

_Little Nixie, I was so happy to be an uncle, and I still am, I am sorry to leave you._

_There's nothing more to say really. I am sorry, but I'm glad I'm going. I always liked sleeping, so I've taken the pills and now I'm going to sleep. I don't know where I'm going, but I'll give Lizzie and Tommy everyone's love if I see them, and of course Daphne too._

_I'll miss you._

_Oscar Thomas Mercy Damon. X_

The sobs wracked my body as I fell to my knees, his lifeless body lay on the bed as I clutched Nixie to me, Edward was in the doorway and Evan was beside him, little Toby stood next to Oscar's bed sadly. As I cried and cried for my little brother and my sister. I knew he was going to do it, I tried to stop him, I swear to fucking God I did, but I couldn't do enough. Nothing I did was enough, but I tried, I tried so hard.

I sat on the couch again as the police buzzed around us, sadly the annoying police woman was back. But I can't say I cared all that much that time, all I cared about was my loss, two people I cared about so much were gone. Forever. I have lost so many people that I love in my life, and each time it's just as hard, but what's kept me going through it all is that my family need me. So I stay alive for them, and at that moment in time to be perfectly honest I was keeping going for Edward as well. Because I liked him, friends and all right. And friends help each other, like Edward was helping me, because I needed someone like that to keep me going, I have family, but they're not always enough. But I was breaking my own rules, because the rule is that you never trust anyone but family. But I trusted Edward, and that's a secret I said I would never tell. Because that's a weakness and I am not weak, I refuse to be seen as weak.

"I should have stopped it, I should have listened to you." Evan murmured beside me as my mother sobbed on the other side. Nixie and Toby were playing with Nixie's Barbie's and Toby's Action Men. They knew what had happened, they knew that Oscar and Daphne were gone forever but children move on so much quicker, they can let go and they will of course miss Daphy and Oscar but children can walk away from things. It's only those that are older, that have grown up and stopped believing in fairy tale endings can they truly realise that walking away and moving on is so much harder than it once was.

"It wouldn't have mattered." Renée said.

"He would have done it eventually." I said sadly.

"But still…" He trailed off, not knowing what to say to the bluntness of my answer.

We sat together like that for most of the day, but in the end I became so claustrophobic I wanted to scream, I could feel the tears begin to once again threaten to roll down my cheeks, I blinked them back angrily standing up abruptly, I had already put Nixie and Toby to bed.

"I'm going to go see the Cullen's." I said abruptly, Evan and Renée made no answer so I walked out the door, towards the Cullen's house. I heard the doorbell ring through the house, it didn't seem like anyone was in, but Edward opened the door.

"Hey Bella." He said and stood to one side to let me in. "Are you ok?" He asked worriedly, I wanted to ask him what the fuck he thought, my little sister and brother had just died. But I didn't, I shrugged my small shoulders.

"I'm ok I guess." I said then frowned, "Where is everyone?" I asked.

"Alice and Emmett went to Rose and Jasper's and Carlisle has to do some important doctor thing in Seattle or something so Esme went with him."

"Oh I see. I hope you don't mind me coming round like this." I said.

"No it's fine Bella." He assured me.

"I just couldn't stay in that house any longer." I explained.

"Your welcome here anytime Bella." He said smiling happily at me, I smiled back, as the tears refused to be held back and poured down my cheeks for the millionth time that day, he wrapped his arms around me, I did the same as I sobbed onto his shoulder. Because it's not fair. Life's not fair. Nothing is fucking fair.

He murmured comforting words as he held me, we sat on the sofa, as I leant against him, finding him so comforting. As memories flashed through my mind of before Daphne was raped, before things got bad. But the memories hurt so I simply forgot all that and just stared out the window as my sobs subsided, the night was lit up by a crescent shape moon. I glanced at the clock, noticing it was 11 o'clock and wondered how time had gone so fast, it didn't seem like day had gone by since Daphne's had died and Oscar had soon followed. But I was safe in the knowledge that if heaven exists then they would be there, that much I was sure.

"I'll show you around the house." Edward said randomly, pulling me from my thought, I shrugged and stood.

"That'd be nice." I said, so he did I was shown all the rooms in his large house, I didn't think I'd be able to find my way anywhere but it was sweet of him to show me round.

"This is my room." He said, I looked around the room that we were in, it was quite large and his big double bed was in the middle of the wall, the floor was a blue colour that matched the wall perfectly, one wall was covered in racks of CD's and I could see a large walk in wardrobe, with clothes scattered everywhere, the large window was opposite the bed and on the far wall, and the moon shone brightly inside, casting a light in the room.

"I like your room." I said, he laughed and our eyes met, I pushed the door closed with a click, he frowned looking down at me, I reached up on tiptoe and pressed my lips to his, he kissed me back and parted his lips slightly, our tongues met, and one again, like the first kiss I shared with Edward it was good. Then he pulled away, and looked down at me worriedly. "Bella." He murmured, shaking his head. I wrapped my arms around his neck, his instinctively wrapped around my waist.

"I need you." I said before pressing my lips to his once again, he didn't hold back. I fell backwards onto the bed, my arms wrapped around his neck, his weight on top of me, as we kissed passionately, the grief, loss and sadness left me.

I hastily pulled his shirt over his head, my own being pulled off too, he fumbled with the buttons and zip on my jeans, once he had managed to undo them I wriggled out of them, desperate to feel our bodies against each other with no barriers. He pulled his jeans off and all we had on was our underwear. My hands travelled across his toned chest as we kissed hungrily, my lips moving to his neck as he ran his hands across my flat stomach and the pale green of my lacy bra. We repositioned to the middle of the bed from the earlier position of us only on the edge. My back pressed into the soft sheets of the bed as the kisses became more frantic as the lust overtook our senses and nothing else mattered but the skin on skin contact. He unclipped my bra at the back and pulled it off, it fell to the floor, with our other times of clothing. I hurriedly pulled his boxers down and he pulled my pants off. My hands travelled across his hardness as he massaged my breast, his low moans travelling through the room as mine joined them, our lips pressed together, our tongues dancing together in our mouths. My back arched as his mouth replaced his hands, I hurriedly wrapped my legs around his waist, desperate to have him inside of me, his hardness pressed into me, he removed his mouth from me and looked down into my eyes as I wrapped my arms hurriedly around his neck and then he entered me. The bliss and pleasure wrapped us in its warm cocoon as the sex made me forget it all, nothing mattered except Edward and myself.

We lay gasping for air as the tiredness overtook us, he was still inside me, the pleasure from the sex coursed through my body, but the fatigue was desperate to claim me. He pulled out from me and rolled off of me, pulling the covers up around us, he lay on his back his arm comfortingly around my bare waist. My chest was pressed against his, but not fully, only about half of it, his other hand was stroking my tangled hair. One of my hands was tracing patterns on his chest, the other was resting above his head, I could feel his hair brushing slights against it. I felt so care free then, of course in the back of my mind my problems were still there, I knew they were there, but the pleasure of sex always seems to blur the sharp edges of problems, they never seem quite so bad as they truly are. I closed my eyes and let myself enter the dream world, happily in Edward's arms, as we both drifted into sleep.

**Ok that was my first ever lemon!**

**So sorry if it's really bad.**

**And sorry for the wait guys.**

**I've had lots of stuff to do. **

**And I have been having a bit of writers block.**

**Anyways thanks for reviewing guys.**

**And don't forget to this time.**

**D**

**XXX**


	12. Writers Block

Writers block has like attacked me

Writers block has like attacked me.

And I'm not really sure where I'm going with this now.

Well I know the ending I want.

But I'm finding it really hard to get there.

Usually I'm like thinking up stories all the time for FF.

But I am so stuck.

I have like nothing.

So I am really sorry.

I will try to update as soon as possible.

But I'm really stuck now.

But I don't worry I am trying.

So hopefully I'll be able to update soon.

:D

XXX


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